Remember

I don’t remember anymore

The sliding sheets across my skin

When you mumble in your sleep

And pull away my side of the blankets in the night

I don’t remember anymore

The wafting scent of eggs

When you said you’re hungry

And spent your morning in the kitchen scrambling eggs

I don’t remember anymore

The warm roughness of your hands

When you brush across my fingers

Trying to teach me how to create magic on the piano keys

I don’t remember anymore

The soft pattering on the floor

As you tread across the room

In the morning trying not to wake me up.

I don’t remember anymore

Your soft moans of pain

When you tried to hide it from me

And I was crying outside your door trying not to let you know

I don’t remember anymore

The soft reassuring smile on your lips

As you tried to convince me you’re alright

When we both know, without any doubt, that you’re not okay

I don't remember anymore

Your soft fluttering breath

When you brushed your lips across my ears

Telling me it's okay to let you go.

I don’t remember anymore.

I don’t want to.

I don’t want to remember the twisted agony

As you fought away the invaders in your body

I don’t remember anymore

Or I keep telling myself so

‘Cause I don’t want to see you falling

Deep into that unending sleep again and again.

I don’t remember anymore

I repeat it in my sleep

As I eat, as I drink, as I cleared out the wardrobe that held your stuff

I repeat it as I breathe.

I don't remember anymore.

I don't remember you anymore.

Stalking Mr E

Yeah. Just decided that too few words can't actually bring out that..... "thing" sufficiently. I blame someone's blog post for that.

So.

What do you think of stalkers? Scary? Eerie? Mean? Weird? Or just plain annoying?

Well, I used to think they were all of that up there. Which is saying, yup, I've been stalked before. It's sort of like those times when you feel like you could just cut open their brains and see what the hell do they want, or why the hell are they following each sneeze and each step you take. Sometimes, though, it makes you wanna hide in a corner and never come out. 

But now...

I'm on the other side now. I'm, proudly, officially, a stalker. 

I am very tempted to point fingers at others for this strange... habit... I'd developed, but no. Others can't make me fall in love. Or have a crush. Or whatever that concerns the heart. 

It wasn't really that bad at first. See, we had our first meeting, supposedly, during my Orientation week, which was fab by the way, and he was one of the popular facilitators who conducted the meetings and gatherings. My friends and I, namely the ever eyebrow-raising YY, and of course, Beauty-Queen-Stalker GY, and our new gossip queen/ matchmaker MR, started this stupid game.

Or should I say, Beauty-Queen-Stalker GY started the game? 

But that's another story I'll keep. For now.

Back to our story.

You see, there were a few quite good-looking guys out there in front, trying to get all of us monkeys in control and conduct the gatherings properly. And us, being typical teenage girls deprived of books-and-other-boredom-chasing-stuff began matchmaking. Of course, it was totally one sided, and everyone, being typical teenagers, denied the matches made, even though some of them was rather, shall I say, thrilling. 

So yeah. YY got paired with our ever charming jabberjay (for quite a long time too, shall I say), GY with the celebrity-lookalike, and me, yup, you guessed it. Mr E.

I can't say that I wasn't thrilled. I can't even say I didn't deny it. I denied everything, of course, though some times (especially like NOW) it's kinda cool when you think back of it. Funny too. My objections 'fight' wasn't as intense as the others though (YY and the Jabberjay, GY and the Lookalike) but then again, the gossip flying through the air about YY and GY were far greater in intensity than mine. 

I didn't have to put up much of a fight. :) And boy, am I thankful for that! Hell hath no fury like a woman in denial! 

So back to the reason why I've been initiated into the ranks of Stalkers.Co. You see, Me and my classmates, we were supposedly attending an event and celebrating our act-- which went beautifully, by the way-- when Mr E came out, complete with the dazzling smile. 

Well, I wasn't really dazzled, then, but still. 

I was still fidgeting around with the uncomfortable costume and giggling away when he started. Oh my. I don't think I can fully describe what I felt then. It was like someone had suddenly turned off all the music and only one tune filled the air. His tune. 

I think pretty much everyone knows I love music(among other things), and I admire almost everyone who makes beautiful music. I'd fallen in love with so many musicians out there I've lost count, but none of them, as near as this. 

Ok, I'll admit, I've heard better, but still. I had lots of peer pressure around me. *wags finger at classmates*

Anyway, the night passed, and he was soon forgotten.

Or was he?

In our group during this Co-curricular thing we have going on, I was put in charge for the publicity towards the seniors,  about this event we were running. Thus, our paths crossed again. Now, keep in mind that he was forgotten (well, almost) after that night, and I was caught in the throes of nightmarish topic tests and unfinished homework. I didn't give the task (publicizing the event to the seniors) much thought, until two of my classmates came along. 

I figured the word 'classmates' was too tame. I'm gonna refer to them as 'tigresses' from now on.

So this two tigresses found out about my task, and figured, hey! Since Mr E's among the seniors, why not go together and get peeks and glances of him through the window while dear Vivien hauls her a** up to the third floor and work on the publicity job?

They did, eventually, helped me to collect donations and stuff, and I'm infinitely grateful, but still. It's the 'motivation' behind the whole thing that mattered. Not to say I didn't appreciate the support they gave. Some of the classes were just plain scary.

So yeah. We went for a few times, and me, being the coward I was when it comes to meeting strangers, couldn't bring myself to interrupt the classes going on. So we strolled along the corridors like haunted ghosts until they had their break. And as I went into his class...

Shall I stop here? No? Aw, Dang it. My fingers were getting numb.

As I went into his class, I asked to see the representative of the class. Surprise surprise. He was the one. (as in the class rep, not the 'ONE' , you romantic idiots) I shall take pride in saying I totally kept my cool while I explained what I was supposed to, when my tigress friends were positively drooling. It wasn't much of an accomplishment, since I wasn't even entertaining the notion of admiring his talents. 

Yet.

And then he started to talk. 

Oh. 

My.

God. 

The way he held himself when he talks, and the way he exudes total confidence and a willingness to help... He was polite, he was convincing, he was charismatic, he speaks clearly, fluently and maintains eye contact throughout the conversation, attentive; he exudes the air of someone who wants to help. He speaks not too loudly, yet the tone held something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

The first thing he said when he came out was something along the lines of, "This is about the charity run, right? Here's the thing..." And he went on to explain the activities they had planned on that day, sounding almost apologetic, but not quite. Argh. I don't remember anyway. It was all fuzzy.

Funny. Things seldom get fuzzy.

Oh, wait. They do. A lot. Usually when I doze off into dreamworld.

And then he said something along the lines of, "you want six, right? I can force them if you want..."

Yup. I guess that was it. I mean, I'm a class representative myself, and I know how hard it is to try to get people to join things and activities (note TRY), and also to go about it in a way that they don't get unhappy or angry. But he used the word force, in perfect confidence. (and I probably should mention he looked perfectly cool. Like those leading roles in Korean Dramas where the guy is a rich and capable manager or some thing similar.)

*eyebrows raised*

 It's all I've ever dreamed of being. I admire it, the ease with which he holds himself with. I guess I've always been a little self-conscious and a little too rule-following that I'd rarely break rules. I never had the total ease and confidence he exudes when I had responsibilities like being the class representative, or a leader. I doubt myself a lot and I try to keep everyone happy to the best of my abilities. I know I can't keep everyone happy, but I still try, because, after all, you're gonna have to work with them.

But this... I might not know the history behind the ease and the confidence, I may not know how he gets along with the others, but what I do know is, if I were the boss, I'd like someone like that to be my employee. I don't know. Maybe this is the main cause of my initiation into Stalkers.Co, maybe it was the singing thing. 

Probably a combination of both though.

That was when I began to feel really happy with the publicity job I've been given. I could pass by that class with a reason (else I'd never haul all xx kilos of me up to the third floor) and I could speak to him and see that again.

It's all rather crazy, you might say. 

I would agree with you. Totally. 

What's more, with those two tigresses fanning the fire (oh boy, those two were really really infatuated. I wasn't even that bad. And god knows, I'm bad enough. Peer pressure really is powerful, especially when those two are in.) and the combined stress of exams and unfinished homework, I decided I need to walk around a bit and get the publicity job done as soon as possible.

Excuses, excuses. 

But me being typical me, I didn't dare to even steal a glance at him. And maybe I'm just not really that keen on stealing glances. (who am I kidding?) I don't do stares. I don't do gaping. All I did was take a fleeting glance and then turn my gaze to the other people in the class to make it seem like I'm addressing the whole class, which I'm supposed to do anyway. Even when passing by, I make it seem like I'm checking to see if the teacher's teaching. I guess I'm just trying to be as subtle as possible.

Successful? Or not? You can't ask me. I won't know. Ask him. But tell me before you do. I wanna be there. 

Then again, maybe not. Dangerous waters, this is.

Sigh. I guess I'm not in love LOVE. I'm just admiring. And maybe it's just the hormones.

But all I know is, I've finally had a first in stalking. (mild stalking, really! I don't think about it every second, I don't notice him until those two tigresses point him out. Those two are the real stalkers. I'm really telling the truth. I swear on Severus Snape's most expensive ingredient. ) It's not really stalking, really, but I'm classifying it as such.

Admiring from a distance eventually equals to stalking. Everyone has a first, and this is mine.

And I'm liking it every second.

P.s. Doesn't mean I approve of other people stalking me. I'll cut your throats out, I will.

Cameras

(Inspired by peeking at the boy next door)

I want to look at you

But my eyes are blinded

I want to smile at you

But my lips are quivering

I want to talk to you

But my voice is wobbly

I want to hold your hand

But my hands are shaking

That’s what cameras are for

To still be able to see you

When hiding behind

To still be able to hold you

Right there in my hands

To still be able to love you

When you’re not here

And I’m not there. 

Sunlight

(Inspired by secret loves)

Trying to catch you

Is like trying to catch sunlight

Every time I try,

I get burnt out instead.

Trying to look at you

Is like trying to look at the sun

Every time I try,

I get blinded instead.

Trying to ignore you

Is like trying to ignore sunlight

Every time I try

I get sweat-soaked instead.

Trying to love you

Is like trying to love the sun

Every time I try

I get heart burn instead.

But you keep walking past me

You never notice me;

You keep smiling at me

And flashing those white teeth;

You’re still talking to me

Like I’m just another friend;

You’re driving me mad

And you don’t even know it

The grief of secret loves…

So much I love

Too much I hurt.

Fear

I have this fear

Of darkness

Or is it the unknown that lies within?

I have this fear

Of height

Or is it the unknown impact of the fall?

I have this fear

Of snakes

Or is it the unknown pain it'll bring?

I have this fear

Of writing

Or is it the unknown loss of inspirations?

I have this fear

Of letting go

Or is it the unknown world I might fall into?

I have this fear

Of fearing

Or is it just plain me, with my insecurities?

Fear is healthy,

But only with courage

What will happen, though, 

If I fear courage and bravery?

The unknown scares me,

And I run

I run far, and I run fast

But with my escape I fear the journey

If I fall, if I tire, if I collapse into piles of bones...

I fell, I tired, I collapsed into piles of bones

Fear brought me fears back in reality

And I feared again

If I run they'll come haunt me in the night

Fear

Stopped me from fearing

Now I trudge on

With only one fear of all fears.

And still I feared.

Forgotten

I've forgotten

How to sing

Like wolves howling to the moon

And pretend that everyone's cheering wildly

I've forgotten

How to run

Like stallions galloping on plains

And pretend that sharp corners don't hurt

I've forgotten

How to yell

Like barbarians battling in deserted lands

And pretend that powers emit from the single yell

I've forgotten

How to cry

Like banshees crying for their coyotes

And pretend Mommy's always there to hug and kiss

I've forgotten

I left it back

Now it's lost, with all the other things

I've taken for granted

Some things aren't missed till you're looking

Some things aren't what they look like

We had all wanted to grow up

Only till we'd forgotten that we remembered

How we used to be alive with innocence

Grown ups were supposedly brave and wise

Why are they afraid to be true to themselves?

Is it because we've forgotten

What 'true' was supposed to be?

I'd forgotten my childhood

And now I've forgotten myself

It Rained

It rained,

Every time I look at you

And you turn towards another girl

Smiling

Softly

It rained, 

Every time I walk past you

And you look behind me, at her

Grinning

Gently

It rained, 

Every time I heard your voice

And you looped your arm around her

Whispering

Warmly

It rained,

That night I saw you

Alone on the bench at your backdoor

Lingering

Lonely

It rained, hard

When you notice me

Those dark brown eyes, finally, on me

Smiling

Sadly

It rained, gently

When I walked to you

You sat there beside me, quietly, accepting

Broken

Badly

It rained, silently

When I watched you

While you bleed, catching teardrops in your hands

Heaving

Harshly

It rained, and rained,

When you took my hand

While I look on, you telling me about her

Leaving

Lying

It rained,

And like damp paper I tore

Staring lifelessly when you thanked me for being there

Friends

Forever

I rained,

When you said goodbye

And I looked on, untangling you from me,

Falling

Freely

And it rained.

In the Mood for Writing - Long Long Journey to Love

I guess it's been a long time since I came here.


Then again, it's been a long time since I've written anything besides assignments. It's sad, isn't it?

But today, I'm down. I need to write. So, let me rant for a while, can you?

~

It's a long long journey to love,

He said,

As we lay side by side

Surrounded by ashes and dust

It's a long long journey to love

He said,

As we stood quietly together

In front of the memorial tomb

It's a long long journey to love

He said,

As I stood behind him,

Tracing the stripes that lined his body

It's a long long journey to love

He said,

Because I need to learn

Because we need to learn

It's a long long journey to love,

I know,

Because he needs the time,

And I need the space.

It's a long long journey to love,

I said,

A thousand miles

A thousand smiles

A thousand hurts

and a thousand pains

It's a long long journey to love,

we know,

and we left.

War heroes,

Survivors,

Lost.

~

Home

It's Monday. Again.

Or perhaps, I should say, it's the last Monday.

The whole room is a mess. Or should I say, the room is a mess, because it's a mess where it matters. 

Everyone is packing; boxes, bags, clothes, forks, spoons, papers. Scattered everywhere. I run away from the place, of course.

From a distance, I watched; I watch as she pack away tiny bits of my life, little details that wouldnt have mattered a year ago, a week ago. But now, they do. I watched as she pack away into boxes and bags and containers of different colours and shapes and sizes the tiny bits of my old life, along with the newly acquired bits and scraps of things, all awaiting a new place to be stored, a new life to be used, a new me to be created. I watched as bits and parts of the old me being separated, classified and stored away, knowing that one day, I'll go even further, even longer.

Of all the things I could have done, I simply watched.

There are far greater things in life, worse things, better things, waiting for me somewhere out there, and this is only one of the first steps into the beginning. There'll be more milestones to be carved, more diaries and journals to be written in, more rooms to be filled. But right now, I don't think I can take it anymore.

I wonder if the rest would be the same.

I guess it's not the physical things I'd hold on most to. Not my room, not my books; heck, not even my pillow. It's the things I want to hold on to, but can't.

The small details I've never even realised were this important to me. The way my sister comes home everyday and grouse about homework and hunger. Or maybe the way my dad drives me home after shopping. Or maybe even the long long 'advices' on sufficient sleep.

Sometimes I wonder if it'll ever come back to this.

This eighteen-year-old me, simple, uncomplicated, content.

Leaving my home, leaving my town. Missing out on all the changes I'd never even notice if I'd stayed. Missing out on the day by day events that'll shape my sister from a kid to a teen. Missing out the way wrinkles might (I hope not) form gracefully on the once youthful faces I'd first seen when I was born. Saying goodbye is harder than I'd thought; maybe it's because of letting go.

Perhaps they were right. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

Hell, I'm homesick already, and I haven't even left home.

I've dreamed many times about the day when I'd finally get to further my studies elsewhere. I'd never foreseen this part. Then again, who would?

It gets you thinking though. Many many seemingly insignificant moments, moments that should be cherished but didn't, we'd taken for granted. The tiny moments where we just sit together for meals, chatting away, ranting about homework and teachers and the general unfairness of being a kid; fighting each other for the comfortable sofas before movies start; reading quietly in the presence of each other, no words needed, quietly, contently, happily.

Someday, and I'm not talking about just this time, I'm going to come home and find that everything has changes, and nothing ever stays the same. The old me who used to read in my pink room while bantering with my sister would have been no more, but casted in history. People changes, things get old, time passes. 

Everything would have changed, and I could do nothing, but watch.

What would I give, to have those moments of blissful content preserved in time... But alas, I'm no God, and even God cannot recover what is past. So I write it all down, in hope that, someday, the future me, no matter where she'll be, will come back and read this, and relive what had been, how it felt to be eighteen again.

Safe; content.

At home. 

Wedding Royale -- A fairytale?

Yup. Today marks the second day of what is rumored to be the wedding of a century. I know I've been real lazy recently, putting off updating this blog and all my other writing assignments, but it's hard to plant myself in front of the computer these days. I wonder if it is the fanfic, or the subconscious me that fears writing (coz of the long long writing hours when I can't seem to stop).

Anyway, yesterday, 29th of April, marks the Wedding Royale, the royal wedding of the phenomenal Prince William Arthur Philip Louis of England, and his bride to be, Catherine Elizabeth Middleton. It's nice to see that a mere commoner like Kate getting married to a Prince for real. It's like a fairytale come true, and that gives us dreamers a break in the unyielding reality and believe in the existence of fairytales.

It's not just the fairy tale likeness in this wedding that's attracted so much attention, including the envy people *hint me hint* get in their hearts at moments through the wedding. It's just so surreal, and after the Diana-Charles fairy tale fallout last decade, people just want to hope that fairy tales really do exist, and they really do last "happily ever after". Added to the fact that this is Princess Diana's eldest son's marriage, well... you know what they say.

I remember watching this movie, 27 dresses, where the heroine says, "The best thing I love about all the weddings I've been to is that moment when the man turns and catch the first glimpse of the bride, and then smiles like he's the luckiest man in the world." I've never really been to weddings like that before, but this time, having seen it live, it's so wonderful I have to remind myself that this is not an act. It's not a movie. It is real.

I love the tiny parts throughout the wedding that really do make these royalty seemed more like people like us. I mean, yeah, of course I know they're just people like us, but there's always a part of you that keeps them on a certain pedestal, that makes them seem so unattainable, so unreachable, like another world. But seeing those little details, like Prince Harry's reassuring whisper right when Kate came in ("Right. Here she is.") and William's resulting smile, I don't know, it's just what people like us would do, I think. And when Kate reached William's side, and William said, "You look lovely," and both smiled... The attempt at breaking the tension by William, "this was supposed to be just a small family affair,".... And the nervous voices when vows were spoken, the shaking hands when the ring was slid on, the small stolen glances and reassuring words between the newly weds....

I guess it makes everything more... us. There's no more them and us, there's just a happy couple standing right there, getting wed.

Albeit, an uncommon royal/commoner couple, that is.

I couldn't remember what Prince Charles and Princess Diana's wedding was like; I wasn't even born. But i have an inkling of what the crowds might have been then. The crowds yesterday might have been more than just a glimpse of the past, it might have been just the same; double, even.

People might ask, what are these people getting all crazed like, over these two strangers they aren't even acquainted with. But, hey, it isn't just the 'strangers' people all over the world are getting all obsessed over, but it's the idea, the small break in reality. Like I previously mentioned, this is the small occasions in life that makes life almost...tolerable. The suggestion that Fairy Tales might have made an appearance in real life. "You can say I'm a dreamer," but hey, who isn't? The moment when the prince and his bride turned and looked at each other, we're transported back into Disney's various animated works : Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty.... I guess that is the reason why people flock over to witness the wedding.

Of course, Prince William being the handsome git that he is, might contribute to that.

And then we proceed to the most waited-for part. The kiss.

Yeah, I've heard various comments like, It was so brief, That was so fast!, it doesn't even look good....

Well, to me, it's good enough. Hey, we've got to keep in mind, these are real people we're talking about. Not actors and actresses acting out a scene in a movie that many of us are used to. And they did it twice! In public! That's good enough for me. It's supposed to be private, these things, and yet, they are doing it for the sake of the entertainment for people all over the globe.

And what caught my attention the most?

The blush that covered both the newly weds cheeks. After the second significantly longer kiss (the first was merely a peck), both the newly weds' faces went from pink to scarlet, even with the bride's make up on. Prince William's face was significantly red. XD I love the moment before they kissed, actually. William was turning to Kate and smiling somewhat bashfully, and then asking, "Are you ready? You ready? Shall we kiss?" and after the first kiss, he turned and asked again, "One more kiss?"

AWWWWWW!!!

It was all very far-away, unattainable, really. But this girl had done it, and it gives us hope; all of us. Hope's very much like despair, it's very contagious.

Well, another element is the dress. Ooh, ouch. What a dress! Designed by Alexander (Alexandra?) McQueen, and inserted with a few ideas from Kate herself, it was really what I dream of. Simple, Elegant, not too Over the top, it brought out the figure of Kate wonderfully, and gave her an air of elegance which i'm so very envious of. I don't really think I can pull off elegant, and I so adore it. *sigh* I wonder if this dress could be lent to me for just a while....

All in all, a wedding worth the attention it got. I wonder how it is like for Kate, and William as well. I mean, when Kate came out to the balcony, she was like "oh wow!"... It must be a great deal of change for her. I mean, I guess it's not what we always think it is. There must be lots of cameras following your every sneeze and step, and also a huge lump of guards trailing you... A sudden change in her life, instead of an easing change, or like William, born into it... It must be awesome and frustrating at the same time.

A normal small-family-affair wedding is scary enough. A huge global wedding-of-the-century wedding should be enough to scare away a herd of gladiators. Huh, well, I guess love grants courage, for a look in the eyes of your lover drags you through the scrutiny of over 20 billion people and the huge butterflies in the tummy. Kate, you ought to be a Gryffindor. :)

And with that, I witnessed history being made, and a real life Fairy Tale.