Supposed to Do

There are lots of things I'm supposed to do.

For example, right now, I"m supposed to be listening to the cute soft-voiced librarian in front trying valiantly to teach us how to access the library's large range of resources. I'm supposed to be paying attention so I could finish the research paper I was supposed to finish last semester. I'm supposed to be studying for the upcoming physics test because I haven't finish studying like I was supposed to last night.

I've always heard--or rather, read-- about adults telling children what you need is more important than what you want. Even my favourite fandom, Harry Potter, with all its vast range fanfics deals on what needs to be done. My favourite character, Severus, had been doing what he was supposed to do all his life despite the pain and sorrow that brought him.

There are many things we are supposed to do in life, for the greater good, for future bliss. But how many of us can overcome the temptations that dominate our lives, luring us to do what we want to instead of what needs to be done.

I love to write. God knows I love it. But I've chosen this, I've chosen Medicine, and I'm supposed to learn about all those sciences and stuff related to it. It's my choice, it's what circumstances have chosen for me, and I'd conceded. I'm supposed to stick to it with all my heart and soul, but I can't. I love to write too damn much.

But then again, if everyone did what they were supposed to do, where does the wonder of life and surprises come in? What if Sir Arthur Conan Doyle stuck to being a physician and did what he was supposed to do? Would we even know the wonder of Sherlock Holmes?

What if ?

What if?

What I'm supposed to do, and what I'm doing.

It's a lifelong dilemma.

Going Against The Tide

Going against the tide

I'm going against the tide

Rough winds do come my way

And chilly winter snows

But across this sea of dangers and foes

I'll go against the tide

Strong I might not be, weak-willed I am

First one through the wall, he bleeds the most

But with you waiting there

I'll go against the tide

Soon I know the sun will shine

Arise those clouds of ruddy light

To know soon you will be near to me

I'll go against the tide

Going against the tide

I'm going against the tide

I'm going against the tide

For you

Valentine (Song)

Going home on a rainy day

There's a test on history I haven't read yet

It's Valentine

And I'm home tonight it's a lonely day

In my room I'm with my teddy bears

Scrawling your name all over again

Check my cell phone again

Are you lonely tonight or are you out on a date 

I'm wondering if you know this secret

I've been stealing glances when you walk by

Chorus

It's just another day

When they go hand in hand

And roses rain above over their heads

It's just another day

I hope you'll come and say

If you could tonight

If you would tonight

Would you be my Valentine

It's five to seven I'm cleaning up

The phone is ringing I run and grab it

Mum's calling now

It's Valentine, she'll be late tonight

And I'm home alone in one big empty house

I pin up my cards of Valentines

Writing down your name

I know it's probably late, but I don't care right now

I'm wondering if you know this secret

I'm picking one out and heading to your house

Chorus

It's just another day

When they go hand in hand

And roses rain above over their heads

It's just another day

I hope you come and say

If you could tonight

If you would tonight

Would you be my Valentine

The doorbell rings as I'm heading out to the street

And you're standing outside in the rain looking like someone I'd kiss

And you smile when you held out the rose

You say

Chorus

It's just another day

When we go hand in hand

And roses rain above over our heads

It's just another day

I'm gonna come and say

If you would tonight

If you could tonight

Would you be my Valentine

Would you be my Valentine

Sleep

Lost so early, lost so sweetly

Lost so swiftly to ones so dearly

Little dearie, don’t cry baby,

I’ll hold you tightly when the skies are raining.

Sleep soundly, sleep sweetly

Don’t dream of the evil that haunts your mornings

Come dawn’s first light we’ll fight till victory

Till the skies rain tears and the soil bleed freely

But close your eyes now, my darling, sleep

Rest your weary heart, there’d be no more hurting.

Unnatural

They say we aren't meant to be together

They say it's wrong

They say the world wasn't made this way

That it is unnatural

Who are they to tell us what's wrong or what's right?

Who are they to say we're wrong?

Who are they to judge us when all we wanted was to be happy?

Who are they to judge it's unnatural?

People are entitled to find love

What's wrong with finding it in different places?

Humans are different, in names and in faces

Why is this so unnatural?

We're meant for one another, soul and all

We're just born in the wrong places

A tiny mistake, an obstacle,

Is it really that unnatural?

Love should be without barriers

Love exist for everyone at anywhere

But they try to pull us apart, to tear us into pieces

So why are we the ones who's unnatural?

Friends and foes alike, we are just like you

We're just different 'cause Fate made it so

Please don't push us away, don't make it hurt

We are not unnatural. 

I Will Hold You

I will hold you tightly when you’re lonely,

I will hold you quietly when you’re jammed.

I will hold you tenderly when you’re sad,

I will hold you sweetly when you’re happy.

I will hold you shamelessly when you’re weary,

I will hold you proudly when you’re victorious.

I will hold you gingerly when you’re vicious,

I will hold you gently when you’re wounded.

I will hold you gracefully when you stumble,

I will hold you faithfully when you’re climbing.

I will hold you, always,

So when you fall and fall and fall,

It’s my arms you’ll fall into

It’s love you’re falling in.

Me (As Honest As I Can Be to Myself in 2012)

(Inspired by a friend and a friend of a friend)

I am Me, Me is I

I am strange, I am unique

I am checking my tongue in the mirror for signs of swelling or shrinking buds

I am noisy, I am lively

I am fighting with a friend by singing by yelling songs at the top of my voice

I am vain, I am insecure

I am looking around for something to hide the cellulite appearing somewhere somehow 

I am lazy, I am striving for freedom

I am searching for ways to evade the grasp of merciless homework, exams and grounding conformity

I am egoistic, I am strong

I am holding back sweat and tears to prove I don't bleed and I don't hurt like the others

I am unrealistic, I am a dreamer

I am making up worlds and stories where I'm saved and enraptured and captured by villains and princes

I am self-conscious, I am self-improving

I am rechecking the comments on Facebook and other websites to know what others think of me

I am pretentious, I am confident

I am loving every moment something is produced by me be it stories poems songs and the things I love

I am cowardly, I am sensitive
I am running away from the little chains of homework and exams that anchor me on the ground

I am nosy, I am caring

I am listening in on the conversation beside me to figure out how and what I can do to help

I am insincere, I am wanting to please,

I am laughing at every joke when it isn't funny cause I want you to just smile with me

I am shy, I am friendly

I am waiting for you to smile at me before I go up to you and scare you away with my overly vicious hello

I am intrusive, I am enthusiastic

I am barging into your room demanding to know what you eat because you were too quiet and alone

I am careless, I am carefree

I am brushing off all the wrong spellings I did in the exams when there are words to copy from

I am vulgar, I am open-minded

I am laughing away the dirty jokes that you lump on me and adding stranger kinkier aspects

I am fickle, I am whimsical

I am grinning at the poo-shaped stain I made when the tears dripped into my diary

I am unorganized, I am spontaneous

I am blabbing about baboons and butts when I couldn't find my notes for the speech I'm presenting now

I am easily addicted, I am passionate

I am reeling off magical spells today and vampire myths tomorrow and Justin Bieber's Baby yesterday

I am silly, I am romantic

I am pretending there's someone who raises me up when I can't reach the top shelves in my study

I am boring, I am creative

I am writing this as a testament that I can be boring to you but creative to the person who lives in my head

I am irritating, I am persistent

I can make you read this over and over until I feel you get the message I want you to get --

That 

I am Me, and Me is I.

I Don't Dare

(Inspired by peeking)

I don't dare to look at you

I fear the rushing of blood and the thump-thumping of the heart

And I know sleepless nights follow

Singing lullabies of unreal dreams

I don't dare to look at your face

I fear the shine and glaze in front of my eyes

And it's so blinding I can't see for a while

Stumbling along the line between realities

I don't dare to look into your eyes

I fear the reflection of the stranger I see from its depths

And feel everything crashes down like storms

Thundering everywhere till everything's wrong.

I don't dare, no, I don't dare to tell you that,

Because that's what we do

We keep our distance

When we keep our secrets, secret.

Dare me now, dare me,

Cause I don't dare.

Hours, Minutes, Seconds.

Hours.

Minutes.

Seconds.

Not a lot more left now.

What do I want to bring to the new year, I asked myself.

I drew a blank.

There were various posts, tweets, and crude pictures about what they want to bring to the new year. Some were pretty, some creative, some....rude. But they all had something they wanted to bring.

Me, I just want to bring my eighteen-years-old.

One more day. Just one more day.

What would I bring?

I'd bring my memories. I'd bring my family. I'd bring my friends. I'd bring my passions.

I'd bring my past.

Don't go, 2011

"I'll always look back  As I walk away
This memory will last  For eternity
And know that my tears Will be lost in the rain
As I find my way back  To your arms again
And until that day You know you are
The queen of my heart."


Indeed. I'll always look back, no matter how far I still have to go, or how short time I've left. This is the year that everything changed.

A year to remember, indeed.

Like I said, this year is the one that had time lose all sense. A month became three, half a year became a single day, minutes became hours and vice versa. Time seems to fly, yet freeze at the same time. I can't believe it's coming to an end.

This year was one lifetime ago. This year was my past. This year is my future. All in one, and one for all.

Ach, the start of the year was so different, remember? (Oh right. there weren't any blog posts on that. Double S.O.R.R.Y.) It was after school, after all of the hustle and bustle of SPM, the great exam, no homework, no folios. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I didn't even have to go to work or anything. Just stayed at home, chilling out, get all frenzied about fanfic, fell in love, stalk unmet strangers, chat with fellow authors. The pinnacle of doing nothing.

Of course, I also abandoned my still-hibernating books in favor of fanfic, which, apparently have me undecided between regret and oh-whatever-ness. Hey, I gained a fandom, didn't I?

Of course, this was also the year I went awry and learnt how to gamble. Well, it wasn't really gambling per se, as there wasn't any money involved. I'd have to blame it on Beat and my dear dear cousin Wen coz they'd sort of pointed a gun at my head about it. *listens to far away shouts and protests* You didn't point a gun at me? Oh well. To each his/her own. *grins*

Well, that eventually led to me 'meeting' a few new/old friends online via Facebook and Viwawa. I said old/new because I'd already know who they are, but we just never really... talk. Or chat. Or whatever. I had a really fanatic period of Mahjong and Groword and Big2.5, and in between waiting for my turn and waiting for food and chatting with Potions&Snitches guys, I had this remarkable-and-unexplained yearning to learn guitar.

And that's sort of how I picked up a little guitar, got familiar with the chords (not so familiar tho. I still can't get to that bloody stupid Fmaj chord. And I'm not that precise with the chords yet. But who cares, eh? I'm the very definition of Syok Sendiri. Proof >>> this blog you're reading now. Or not.) I went through a total torture two month session of fingersores to have that weird thingy (calluses?) on the tip of my fingers--which has hidden themselves away now--which was a pain in the ass. My thumb, from some inexplicable reason, had its outer "Skin" shedded. Yup. SHEDDED. Which led to no thumbprint right now. *grins* cool, eh?

And then came the frantic period when results came out, and the endless scholarship preparations. We had endless trips to the school to get things copied and certified, which, by the way, is almost untouched in the darkest corner of my cupboard.

And then YAY!. From some inexplicable streak of luck, I had a scholarship for Medicine, twinning in Penang Medical College (or translated >> free education in Ireland for TWO 1/2 YEARS! Of course, also four and a half years here in Malaysia, but that many years of studying makes a person.... weary. Whew. Not that I don't want it. :P)

Then came the leaving home stuff. All those tears and emotions roiling about. I had to say goodbye to most everything. I guess the experience forces one to grow up. It was then I truly found that of all the goodbyes we have to say in life, it's the goodbyes to time that's the most melancholic. I don't know why I didn't realise before, but then I still have a lot to realise in the following years, if not year. I'm not going to ramble on that, cause that's when I finally sat my @$$ down and started to blog.

Yup. New school, new friends, new crushes, new stalk-victims, new experiences. Most importantly, new blogging friends. That's kinda what drove me to continue updating this abandoned blog. I mean, I used to keep a diary. I used to write in it like crazy. Then, I don't know, maybe it was the fanfic, maybe it was something else, it came along and poof, all my time was used up on it, and my diary went into the protection program. I checked, really. It's been one year and two months since I last wrote in it.

But then again, this has been a relatively happy, safe-from-hormonic-explosion year, so my diary didn't get much action as it had the years before.

Really. 95% of my diary are crude words, salty tears and depressing statements. It's not a good read unless you're standing at the edge of a building.

The other 5% are, nauseatingly, about romance, books and their oh-so-cute guys and girls, and about Twilight, so yeah. Unless you want to find yourself smushed into a paste at the base of the tallest building you can find, stay away.

Anyway, one of the other greatest things that happened this year was Harry Potter. I got totally obsessed in fanfic, had all of the facts and significant quotes memorised, had Snape constructed as a god in my head, and had my own first fanfic written, and finished. But what really got into my head (and heart) was the movie.

When the last book came out, I wasn't the least big melancholic or sad, like I did with Inheritance (Eragon and Co.). No, I wasn't the least bit sad, even when Snape died. I wasn't that into the fandom yet. Even after I sank into the fandom quicksand, I wasn't sad that the books have ended. I still have the movies.

Then this last July (was it July?) I walked out of the cinema with a pang of loss. The last part of the movie. Everything had ended. And I was sort of lost.

Can't blame me, can you now? I practically grew up with the series.I had the first four books from when I was nine, read it when I was still fumbling over English (believe it or not, my English sucked then. I read my own essays then. UGH.) And then when the fifth book came out, I was in my preteens. Then the sixth book, the seventh. As I grew out from the innocent preteens (believe it or not, we were a bunch or naive fools in preteens. The beauty of the last generation, eh? We didn't even have cellphones or computers then!) entered my teens and had my share of hormonal explosions, Harry Potter was there with me, close in age and thoughts. The first few books weren't childish (I was still a child when I read them), the last few weren't too dark (I was entertaining dark thoughts when I read them. Teen age. BRR. Don't put me through them again.)

But it ended. That was the first few goodbyes that really hurt, and the first few that had me understanding a lot of quotes. A lot of things had me thinking about life, in general.

Is it just me, or are the other teens doing just the same? I feel so old, thinking about matters like this.

*sighs*

There's just so many things that happened this year, so many changes from who I was last year, I can't even try to recall. Especially after I read the last of the Inheritance cycle, with Eragon and Saphira coming so far from who they were, the journey. I gave it some thought, and realised that Eragon's departure was sort of the equivalent of death in this life, to never return.

Inevitable.

I finished the last book ( I reread the whole cycle) exactly on 2.25a.m. on the 30th of December. It was almost the end of the year, and suddenly all these things just flew in. All these loss, all these time. I even broke open my diary and wrote something about it. I'lll see how I feel about it and maybe post it up someday. It's the only way I can keep copies of various innocuous entries of my diary. I don't want it to disappear, these little moments that I'd hauled my lazy ass to keep.

This was a year of change. Change in life, change in mind. I really don't want it to go. There's so many things I want to remember, and I truly regretted not writing them down so I can remember a semblance of it. Time erases memories, and I don't really want it to. Not this year. This year's too precious for me. It meant too much.

But what can I do? I'm no god. Unless the world ends tomorrow, time's not going to slow or stop. Not that it would if the world ends tomorrow, but at least I won't know it.

It's supposed to be celebrated, the new year. After all, we all celebrate things that are new. But now I wonder. Is that celebration to disguise the longing for the old year to stay? Is it just a cover for all the sadness for the passing of a year?

The F.U.N in the funeral of time.

Don't go, 2011.

Stay with me.

Don't go.