I Feel So Alone

Maybe it's just the stress of coming tests, maybe it's just being away from home. Maybe it's just another bout of PMS threatening to drive me up KLCC.

But I feel so very alone.

It's not so much as being physically alone than being mentally isolated. I'm surrounded by almost a hundred people everyday, filling my ears up with chattering birds and humming bees. People come up and say hi, we exchange words, you smile, I grin back. It's what I do everyday. It's what we do everyday.

I keep talking. I keep that smile on my face. It's genuine most of the time--I guess I don't really get bad moods often; at least not in front of other strangers. But when I do... I keep those thick, sexy lips curved upwards. It's like a game, trying to see how good you are at putting up a happy face no matter what you're feeling inside. I guess most everyone goes through this at least a few days in a month.

It's not pretending, I don't think so. It's just... letting people see what they deserve to see. It's not fair to dump all your emotional faeces on others, practically strangers, when all they did was look at you.

Unless they stare too much, or have huge scary eyes, to which I'd reply with a "Shoo, cat."

*sighs* It's just so great what a simple sigh can show. I think it's the best sound in the whole world. Just like what a smile can do to a person who's really really down and feels alone.

I admit I'm pretty open about myself. I try to be honest to myself, I do. And I've found some pretty interesting things about myself. I tend to spill whatever's on my mind--thus, the blog--but there are some things you just can't find words for. You've gotta be there to really feel it, to understand.

But I try anyway, to put them into words. Because there are some things you cannot keep to yourself for fear of bursting like a bloated rabbit.

Surrounded by all these people almost everyday, it's curious why I still feel alone. I don't really dwell on it all the time, but today I seemed a little too sensitive. Or maybe it's just Taylor Swift at work.

*short interruption* Might I just say her new single Begin Again is so hauntingly beautiful? So hopeful, yet vulnerable. I love her too much. *swoons*

Anyway, amidst all these people, it's like, how many of these people I can identify with? How many of these people--they come, they go--how many of them will stay with you until you're old and gray? With whom do I truly belong? Am I really alone here, when my family is so far out of reach?

Yes, I have so many dear friends here to do weird stuff with me, but it's funny how these few days I find myself unable to breathe. It's strange how sometimes you enjoy doing crazy stuff--gossips, pranks, discussing the many shapes and sizes of digested/processed foodstuff--and laughing the hell out with your friends, and one single tick of the clock later, you find yourself needing a break from all those.

Needing a break, needing to be alone, and yet, feeling oddly down because you're alone.

This is why psychology is so interesting, because it's totally wacko.

And maybe this is why people say girls are weird. Oh well. Deal with it.

Sometimes being alone is fun. It gives me time to wade through the mess in my brain, put them into boxes and push them away into their burrows. I like those sessions, lose myself in my world, live lives I want to, filming them out in my big bird brain; cut away from reality. Perhaps that's one of the reasons why I love music so much.

But when silence is my only company, I lose sight of what's real and what's not. I'm reluctant to leave my little carefully-crafted world. Sometimes there are so many things to be done I cannot afford to lose hours drifting in my cloudland.

Not everyone understands the need for my silence, I don't think. People try to cheer you up when moments like this arrive, and then you'll get confused. Am I supposed to be cheered up, or should I continue to indulge in that small virtual unreality? Perhaps it really is just me being my usual weird self, complaining about being alone when it's loneliness I choose.

I guess loneliness doesn't really mean much when you enjoy it. But loneliness is still loneliness.

And right now, I feel so alone it's kinda scary.

Having strange urges to hug someone, tight. Wanna crush someone so hard against me to feel alive, to take that intense "alone"ness away. Wanna feel the heat and the beating pulse against me to remind me I'm not really alone.

I'm not really alone, am I?