Those Moments

Those moments when you realise your heart simply refuses to listen, and your brain actually eggs it on.

Those moments when all your past debates vanish like a swirl of post-coital cigarette smoke, lost in the haze of a different sort.

Those moments when your past rears up to meet you in a tsunami wave swallowing you whole.

Those moments when you are still doggedly refusing to let it go, choosing to hurt instead.

Those moments when you are still daring to hope, daring to hold, daring to want.

Those moments when a skipped beat beats skipped stones across the calm lake spreading ripples.

Those moments when loneliness trumps everything.

Those moments when everything trumps loneliness.

Those moments when lust creeps and seeps through fabric, soaking each cell, trembling, shuddering, leaking. 

Those moments when apathy takes hold and pries open your desperate grip for anything that makes you feel alive.

And those moments when sleep finally greets you and welcomes you instead of keeping you an eyelid and a world away.

#midnightramblings

Only Us

I have been stuck on the positive vibes of this song for so long, and the hope and contentedness of the song has gone full circle and turned into doubt, loneliness and that sort-of-tentative-hope-but-not-really kind of melancholy. I have replayed this song until my car door knows the lyrics, and my earphones vibrate in anticipation at the start of the second verse, and my phone sighs and replays the song instead of me having to hit the replay button. The song has made me laugh, and smile, and then cry, and ugly sob, and shouting and yelling at the fates above and cursing everything that had brought me to this point in life where I still don't understand why I so desperately want what I want.

Ugh. Rambling.

Ah sorry. I realise I haven't mentioned which song. 

This is Only Us, from the musical Dear Evan Hansen. It was originally sung by the main male and female leads, as Zoe found out that Evan likes her, and the song is basically just two very sad people holding onto what seems like salvation. (okay I actually don't know I just assumed 'cause I haven't really watched the thing I just scanned through the backstory with my incredibly out of practice speed reading skills)

 But! 

For Valentine's Day, they released a special version of the song sung by the two men who have both played the role of Evan Hansen. Ben Levi Ross and TaylorTrensch. 

The catch?

They are a real life couple. 

I just... 

The song itself, with heartwrenchingly painful lyrics like 'I don't need you to sell me on reasons to want you' and 'I gave you ten thousand reasons to not let me go' is bad enough. Add into the mixture these two boys so in love they can't stop grinning even as they sing, and that catch for each other's hands...?

I'm giving up on love and life, but I also don't want to give up on love and life. UGH thanks a bunch Pasek and Paul. 

This is my cue to insert lyrics.

I don't need you to sell me on reasons to want you

I don't need you to search for the proof that I should

You don't have to convince me

You don't have to be scared you're not enough

'Cause what we've got going is good

I don't need more reminders of all that's been broken

I don't need you to fix what I'd rather forget

Clear the slate and start over

Try to quiet the noises in your head

We can't compete with all that

So what if it's us?

What if it's us

And only us

And what came before won't count anymore or matter?

Can we try that?

What if it's you

And what if it's me

And what if that's all that we need it to be

And the rest of the world falls away?

What do you say?

I never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me

So I give you ten thousand reasons to not let me go

But if you really see me

If you like me for me and nothing else

Well, that's all that I've wanted for longer that you could possibly know

So it can be us

It can be us

And only us

And what came before won't count anymore or matter

We can try that

It's not so impossible

Nobody else but the two of us here

'Cause you're saying it's possible

We can just watch the whole world disappear

'Til you're the only one

I still know how to see

It's just you and me

It'll be us, It'll be us

And only us

And what came before won't count anymore

We can try that

You and me

That's all that we need it to be

And the rest of the world falls away

The world falls away

And it's only us

I have no favourite parts, because the entire song -- the verses, the chorus, the bridge -- they are all my favourite. 

I guess it's the acceptance that got me. The idea that someone will look at you and think, this is what I want. The good and the bad. The scars and the baggage. That your past don't matter; or maybe it does, but it's made you you and that's the only thing that should matter. The idea that someone will want you as you are, and you don't need to put on masks or disguises or anything to convince them that you are worthy and that you're enough. The pure hope that you, as you are, is reason enough, and no other extra reasons are required. That nothing else matters, not the world, not anybody but you and your willingness to try to make this work. 

The idea of acceptance just... appeals to me. I don't know why, but perhaps 26 years of singledom have low-key made me feel that maybe I'm just not meant for this. Having bungled up most matters to do with the heart, and the fact that there weren't really that many matters to do with the heart, it makes one wonder if maybe I'm just... not good enough to be wanted. That somewhere there is a something that I can't see nor fathom that just tells people -- not this one. 

I'm a slob. I'm lazy and unmotivated. I'm  too lazy to do anything but fangirl over various fictional characters. I ooze jealousy over others. I resent other people for their motivation and their successes and their happiness. I make promises I don't keep. I binge eat, and bitch about it but do nothing about it. I never watch any shows I said I'd watch. I never show up in full attention, I never remember your birthdays (or sometimes i do but i just can't muster up enough celebration cells to do something for you). I'm attached to my phone. I'm mediocre at everything because excellence is too much effort. I brag, and I'm insecure and basically I'm terrified at what the future holds and so I stagnate and hide in my room even as the future draws nearer and more concrete. 

For a girl that had routinely feels that other people do it better, and routinely evaluates and reevaluates many points of her self, finding herself wanting but incapable of change (for various reasons but mostly just giving up on finding that ideal target to aim for) ; I suppose, for a girl like that, unconditional acceptance is invaluable. 

Or maybe I'm just a narcissist who just wants concrete validation.

It's just a song. A song to listen to, and watch other people celebrate their love and connection and acceptance. A song to listen to, and feel like these are things that happen to other people but never me. 

I guess I will always want, even when I know I love my solitude, and that I'm perfectly fine being alone.