Even circles do end.

It's barely been a blink of the eye, yet the end of year crawls near, marking the first five (or so) months I've been here, at INTEC. we've made new friends, new memories, and tried our best to keep our old ones. Running around like some madwoman,  yeah, I think I've sort of managed both all right. *cheers* :)

So, while there are about a thousand and one stories (okay, okay. Don't shoot me. I'm not the most frequent blogger if you REALLY squint, but quality, eh? Not quantity.) about my old friends, and I hope this doesn't comes off as if I'm trying to brush off my old high school friends, but it really is time I should rant about the new friends that's I've made and how (un)lucky I am to have met them.

Right. I'm ranting.

So, there are like a ton of geniuses in this new 'school' of mine, so, I don't really have to go into all those self-deprecating statements and depressing emotions concerning schoolwork and tortures of that sort. So let's just move on to the types of geniuses you find in my class.

Well, first of all, of course there would be the "start ahead, stay ahead, study ahead" type. I wouldn't go so far to say they are nerdy, 'cause sometimes they are fun and amusing in their own way. Try quieting down and spend your time listening in to their conversations (am promoting eavesdropping here! But not on me. ) and you'll find that, wow, these people think so differently! Of course, there's also a few times you might nod off during eavesdroppings sessions due to excessive Bio/Chem/Physics input, but hey. It's worth it. :) At least you learn something. And they have such weird sense of humour! Try telling them a joke and see how they react.

Right. I'm having too much fun. Moderation, Vivien, Moderation.

Did I mention it was also fun to tease them and watch them get all serious over the "jokes" we made at their expenses?

Yeah. Fun. 


Then, comes the "I'm hungry" types. Every time there's food, even in the middle of class, they'll be the one gawking hungrily, salivating endlessly, dropping not-so-subtle hints about their wants and needs. Can't really say I'm one of those, but yeah. There's them. :)

Then the gossipers. Oh my. These are the ones you'd want to stay clear of, though I'm one of them. Dang. Being an insider makes my information and warnings even more precious, don't you think so? The pinnacle of misinterpretation  DELIBERATE misinterpretation, these people pinpoint your weaknesses and attack without so much of a blink of mercy. Right. Bunch of wolves, these people.

I mean, we're just a brood of cute, harmless rabbits. Yeah.

They--I mean, we're actually not that vicious, just when fresh new faces and fresh new blood enters. *shrugs* animalistic instincts, eh?

Then there's the party kinda guys. Life seems to be nothing but partay for this bunch. Sure they go around bitching about life and homework, but seriously, they are doing nothing but clubbing all day. And they bitch about life. Seriously? Get a life. Don't whine.

And then there's the "Got-NO-Money-need-you-to-buy-me-a-drink" bunch, which, if you ask me, is a lousy pick-up line. But I'm pretty sure it's not for picking up girls/boys. It's for.... I'm not sure what's it for anyway. Gotta go around and ask them someday. These people's brains are a bloody maze, and I don't wanna get caught/lost/crazy in that place. *shudders* who knows what lurks inside?

And the rest, well, I'm sure they fall somewhere in between the "I'm pretty crazy" and the "I'm bloody bonkers" group.  I'm pretty sure it's rather annoying sometimes, being in denial of your level of craziness, but sometimes that's what spices up life. But they're on their way to the ultimate peak of I'm-Making-No-Sense-'N-I-Lurve-It, I'm sure. They can't withstand our attack long enough. *cackles*

Ah, the joys of studying. Or rather the lack of joy. That's where classmates/crazed-serial-killers/crazed-JB-fans come in, I guess. Make you laugh when you're crying in desperation at your textbook, make you smile when you're glaring at your textbook, make you giggle when you're muttering curses/I-Don't-Want-To-Know-What under your breath at a teacher.

At least that's what I think.

Infatuation, Admiration and Crushes

I'll admit to having 'fallen in love' many times. It's hard not to, what with my easy obsession. I've 'crushed' on people I've never seen before, people who doesn't know I exist, people who's just that close, but I never could have reached.

More so, considering that I think all guys who can carry a tune, with his fingers or his voice, incredibly cool.

I've been secreting this away inside me, and that's sort of the darkest side of me. Then I thought, why secret it away? Didn't I complain I care too much? It's the best way to start, eh?

Uh, to be frank, no. But *shrugs* whatever.

Actors and singers aside, I've had only one or two people I sort of admire. Not the "idol" kind, but... Yeah. You get it.

Right. So what if all of them can carry a wicked tune on their choice of instruments? It's incredibly cool, alright? I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in thinking that.

But these are just admiration, right? It's just plain, Wow, they can do that and it's cool! , right?

But it's got me thinking. Is there a line that separates the three? Infatuation, admiration, and crushes? I mean, there's gotta be something you admire in your crush that made you fall head over heels, right?

All my life I've been raised in an all-girls school. Hell, even all of my near cousins are girls. That's sort of why I don't really find girls who can carry tunes cool, maybe because I've seen many. Maybe because it's not that far out of reach. Even I can carry a tune, somehow. *giggles crazily*

I don't really know the difference between the three. What actually is infatuation? How do admiration and infatuation differ? Argh.

Why are these things haunting me?


I must admit though, I've never really thought of that before this. Before all of this... fanfiction. Well, maybe once or twice, but still. It's weird, but maybe it's a part of growing up. Maybe it's a part of all this... going-into-the-community-after-being-locked-in-a-girls-environment thing. You get it.

Girls school, meet your negative side.

I think--still do, mind you-- that falling in love is a slow long process, that you won't know you're in love. But I also think that it makes your heart beat like crazy when you see that ONE person. Hmm.

Well, since I haven't found someone that can really make my heart beat, I'm gonna stick to admiration for now. I"ll see if I"m brave enough to conquer my fear of your opinions when I actually meet that someone.

Cheers.

Sometimes I just want to hide.

Sometimes I just wanna lock myself away in some far away room where only me and myself exist. Only me, my books, my music. Nothing else.

I used to be able to do just that, to lock myself in my room, escape from all those people, all those work; all the hustle bustle of life in general.

It's what a coward would do, I suppose. To hide away oneself.

But sometimes I can't stand it. I'm not brave. I'm not courageous. I'm the very definition of a coward where it matters. I'm weak, I'm fearful, I'm cowardly.

Sometimes I get this strange urges to just cry, with no reason at all. But I never do. Because I'm weak, because I'm too afraid of what people will think of me. I don't like to cry in front of others; maybe that's because it's the only way I can be brave for once.

But now, I don't find that courage even to just hide myself away. Even when I put on my ear phones, I leave space for other sounds and noises to enter. I don't hide myself away in my room anymore.

 I'm afraid of what'll happen when I lose myself in my world. I'm afraid what people will say when I'm not listening.

It's weak of me. To want to please. To want to make everyone happy.

Sometimes I just want to not care.

But I never could. I always did care..

And I hate it.

Growing with Goodbyes (The End of Semester 1)

Another phase of our life.

Gone, in the blink of an eye.

Saying goodbye is hard; maybe it's because of letting go. That was what I believed in, and perhaps, I still do. This is a different sort of goodbye, many would say, probably because it's hard on the heels of 24-hour-studying torture. It's the last paper, everyone, and now it's gone, cast away as yet another strand of those silvery things Rowling called memories.

Not to say I'm not euphoric; God knows I am. But now, as I sit down and write this, the room deathly silent save for the "A Thousand Years" music blasting from my computer speakers, things...change. It's the end of sems, and it's mid-November. A few more weeks, it'll be the end of the year and another goodbye. Seems like those SPM results-waiting times were things of the past, years and years ago, when it'd only been a few months.

I distinctly remember being reluctant to let go of the past - waking up everyday at six, putting on my uniform, heading for endless classes in the school filled with blue pinafores and white shirts. I remember being all melancholic about leaving home; I remember being nervous about living alone.

It's all so different now, seeing all those new faces in class, depending on yourself (and your roommate) to wake you up, feeling so fed up about choosing something to eat. People roam around the whole college with ease, with no worries about being chastised. Sleeping in class, eating in class, all those prohibited, forbidden actions now freely carried out. Having new lecturers of a really really wide variety, homework which don't really need to be handed in, fresh faces to be bullied and tease, being bullied and teased, new perspectives, new experiences, a deeper understanding of what it meant to be united despite your color or accents...

All those things that would have had a Form-five-me raising my eyebrows with wonder; now it's second nature.

These are the things that we'd look back at when we leave again, just as we'd looked back on our secondary life before we came here. Something --and the only thing-- that can be held on to, as proof that we'd existed, that this life existed.

It's been so long, yet so short. I've come so far--as is the case with everyone, I believe-- in such short time, merely six months. It's been a long journey, one filled with both wonders and excitement of the unknown. There had been so much I'd learnt, along with new and old friends alike, in this long-short journey of growing up.

Time really does fly, doesn't it? *sighs*



Now it's the end of first sem, then it's goodbye to INTEC, and--God willing--we'll be off to some other country. Next thing you know, we're adults, then old folks, and then... nothing but memories.

Maybe I'm just being stupid, holding on to things that can't be held on to. But it's those things that are worth holding on to, isn't it? Trying to hold on to time, to moments that have passed, to the smiles that pass in the fraction of a second, to the little wrinkles in time that slowly forms like the soft erosions against the smooth pebble.

But it's impossible, and that's what makes it even more precious. We cannot hold on to things past, nor something as intangible as time.

We can only bid goodbye, then walk away.

Saying goodbye this time isn't that hard. It's all smiles and laughter this time, unlike the first few "first times" that had us bidding farewell to the comfort of familiarity with tears in our eyes. Perhaps it's because there's no apparent loss in comfort nor familiarity. Perhaps it's because everyone is looking forward to regaining whatever semblance of the old familiarity at the place called home.

But there will be tears, eventually. Someday in the future we'll look back at this first semester and go, "Why does everything go by that fast?" And we'll wish we could come back to this stage of semi-adultness, with everything in a semi stage; the contaminated innocence, the confused feelings of love and hurt, the mixed joy of letting go and first times.

But I guess that's life, eh? GOodbyes and Hellos and what-nots. Everything's gotta end someday.

Thus, it's with a semi-heavy heart I bid this first--exciting, breathtaking, inspiring, and everything that's related to this wonderful phase of mixed rojak--semester :

Thanks for the memories,

and Goodbye.