Midnight : Ramblings

Sometimes I wonder if I overthink things. Some things are meant to be simple. I think.

But I can't help it when my mind goes into overdrive. Is the silence awkward? Should I fill the silence? What should I fill it with? Would they be offended if I just sat there and not talk because I don't feel like talking? Would they feel uncomfortable if I ask them out but proceed to sit quietly instead of engaging verbally?

Because I know I would. I would be uncomfortable if the silences grow long and awkward. I would be offended if they ask me out just to look at them stare at their phones.

But that's what I feel like doing sometimes. To just sit silently in each other's presence, basking in the ease of silence. Sometimes I just want to sit quietly and watch people talk. And when things start to get awkward, my phone becomes a shield.

So how can I fault others when I do the same?

Or do other people don't care this much, and I'm just overthinking stuff and being an idiot, as usual?

Most hurts, I've come to realise, stem from me thinking too far in advance, too much in advance. Preparing for something that hasn't even been confirmed. Planning too far ahead for people who probably didn't even intend on that much itinerary. Caring too much for people who just don't really feel you're important enough. It all only ends in disappointment; the dull throbbing emptiness and hurt.

I've always had trouble in maintaining relationships. I ... lose contact. I become too lazy to keep in touch. I'm bad with communicating what I really want. And when finally the opportunity presents itself for a reconnection, I find that we've become too different, too far. And my laziness and fear and anxiety takes over, and there goes the relationship.

I analyze and morph and analyze and morph again, trying to appease everybody. It's so instinctual and I hate it but I have to constantly remind myself to not overdo it and everything becomes even more complicated and not at all natural. Where is the line, what's overdoing it, what's being an indelicate arsehole, what's being a stage player in his own show, what's caring too much, what'll risk me ending up as a foolish idiot who overestimated  her importance.

And so, sometimes, I lose contact because I can't find the naturalness anymore. That's is why certain conversations are precious to me; for they require near zero effort and I can be free.

I suppose my self imposed solitude had negative effects; I'd become too lax in the government of my emotions. I'd swing between the extremes of putting on a show and hiding all my emotions and true needs behind a mask, and laying it all splayed out for the world to see regardless of anybody else's feelings about it.

I'm an actor, born and bred. I suppose it's a side effect of being an overachiever. We act, and show others what they want to see, and hide away all the gory parts in the dark corners of our cupboards.

And so, I act, whether I like it or not. And recently, my acting antennae is malfunxtioning. I can't judge which mask to put on, which role to play, which disguise to wear anymore. It may possibly be the results of prolonged solitude, of me being rid of the need to act for too long. Good thing, or bad? I can't tell.

All I can tell you is, few people are precious to me, because our conversations are natural, effortless ( though I must confess, that I fend much better behind the shield of written words, for if I'm exposed to facial expressions, it's instinctual to read and adapt -- my actor side escapes.).

But fewer still, of these people, who I can feel comfortably silent with; whom I can feel safe with. Safe from abandonment. Safe from awkward silences. Safe from unequal sense of importance. Safe.


So how would I ever find that special someone?


I don't want to be the single friend who third wheels everyone. I don't want to be the only one cuddling a pillow when watching romcoms. I don't want to be holding my own hands while everybody around me clings to each other.

But j don't want to be rushing. I don't want to be in a special relationship just for he sake of it. I don't want to force myself through awkwardness and general unease. I don't want it to be uncomfortable.

I don't... I don't know what I want.

Maybe it doesn't have to be complicated. Maybe it's not about matching interests. Maybe it's not about conversational topics. Maybe it's of clicking and the je ne sais quoi. Maybe it's of feeling comfortable and on edge.

Maybe it's just about throwing caution to the wind and taking a step.

But I'm not ready for that.