Cameras

(Inspired by peeking at the boy next door)

I want to look at you

But my eyes are blinded

I want to smile at you

But my lips are quivering

I want to talk to you

But my voice is wobbly

I want to hold your hand

But my hands are shaking

That’s what cameras are for

To still be able to see you

When hiding behind

To still be able to hold you

Right there in my hands

To still be able to love you

When you’re not here

And I’m not there. 

Sunlight

(Inspired by secret loves)

Trying to catch you

Is like trying to catch sunlight

Every time I try,

I get burnt out instead.

Trying to look at you

Is like trying to look at the sun

Every time I try,

I get blinded instead.

Trying to ignore you

Is like trying to ignore sunlight

Every time I try

I get sweat-soaked instead.

Trying to love you

Is like trying to love the sun

Every time I try

I get heart burn instead.

But you keep walking past me

You never notice me;

You keep smiling at me

And flashing those white teeth;

You’re still talking to me

Like I’m just another friend;

You’re driving me mad

And you don’t even know it

The grief of secret loves…

So much I love

Too much I hurt.

Fear

I have this fear

Of darkness

Or is it the unknown that lies within?

I have this fear

Of height

Or is it the unknown impact of the fall?

I have this fear

Of snakes

Or is it the unknown pain it'll bring?

I have this fear

Of writing

Or is it the unknown loss of inspirations?

I have this fear

Of letting go

Or is it the unknown world I might fall into?

I have this fear

Of fearing

Or is it just plain me, with my insecurities?

Fear is healthy,

But only with courage

What will happen, though, 

If I fear courage and bravery?

The unknown scares me,

And I run

I run far, and I run fast

But with my escape I fear the journey

If I fall, if I tire, if I collapse into piles of bones...

I fell, I tired, I collapsed into piles of bones

Fear brought me fears back in reality

And I feared again

If I run they'll come haunt me in the night

Fear

Stopped me from fearing

Now I trudge on

With only one fear of all fears.

And still I feared.

Forgotten

I've forgotten

How to sing

Like wolves howling to the moon

And pretend that everyone's cheering wildly

I've forgotten

How to run

Like stallions galloping on plains

And pretend that sharp corners don't hurt

I've forgotten

How to yell

Like barbarians battling in deserted lands

And pretend that powers emit from the single yell

I've forgotten

How to cry

Like banshees crying for their coyotes

And pretend Mommy's always there to hug and kiss

I've forgotten

I left it back

Now it's lost, with all the other things

I've taken for granted

Some things aren't missed till you're looking

Some things aren't what they look like

We had all wanted to grow up

Only till we'd forgotten that we remembered

How we used to be alive with innocence

Grown ups were supposedly brave and wise

Why are they afraid to be true to themselves?

Is it because we've forgotten

What 'true' was supposed to be?

I'd forgotten my childhood

And now I've forgotten myself

It Rained

It rained,

Every time I look at you

And you turn towards another girl

Smiling

Softly

It rained, 

Every time I walk past you

And you look behind me, at her

Grinning

Gently

It rained, 

Every time I heard your voice

And you looped your arm around her

Whispering

Warmly

It rained,

That night I saw you

Alone on the bench at your backdoor

Lingering

Lonely

It rained, hard

When you notice me

Those dark brown eyes, finally, on me

Smiling

Sadly

It rained, gently

When I walked to you

You sat there beside me, quietly, accepting

Broken

Badly

It rained, silently

When I watched you

While you bleed, catching teardrops in your hands

Heaving

Harshly

It rained, and rained,

When you took my hand

While I look on, you telling me about her

Leaving

Lying

It rained,

And like damp paper I tore

Staring lifelessly when you thanked me for being there

Friends

Forever

I rained,

When you said goodbye

And I looked on, untangling you from me,

Falling

Freely

And it rained.

In the Mood for Writing - Long Long Journey to Love

I guess it's been a long time since I came here.


Then again, it's been a long time since I've written anything besides assignments. It's sad, isn't it?

But today, I'm down. I need to write. So, let me rant for a while, can you?

~

It's a long long journey to love,

He said,

As we lay side by side

Surrounded by ashes and dust

It's a long long journey to love

He said,

As we stood quietly together

In front of the memorial tomb

It's a long long journey to love

He said,

As I stood behind him,

Tracing the stripes that lined his body

It's a long long journey to love

He said,

Because I need to learn

Because we need to learn

It's a long long journey to love,

I know,

Because he needs the time,

And I need the space.

It's a long long journey to love,

I said,

A thousand miles

A thousand smiles

A thousand hurts

and a thousand pains

It's a long long journey to love,

we know,

and we left.

War heroes,

Survivors,

Lost.

~

Home

It's Monday. Again.

Or perhaps, I should say, it's the last Monday.

The whole room is a mess. Or should I say, the room is a mess, because it's a mess where it matters. 

Everyone is packing; boxes, bags, clothes, forks, spoons, papers. Scattered everywhere. I run away from the place, of course.

From a distance, I watched; I watch as she pack away tiny bits of my life, little details that wouldnt have mattered a year ago, a week ago. But now, they do. I watched as she pack away into boxes and bags and containers of different colours and shapes and sizes the tiny bits of my old life, along with the newly acquired bits and scraps of things, all awaiting a new place to be stored, a new life to be used, a new me to be created. I watched as bits and parts of the old me being separated, classified and stored away, knowing that one day, I'll go even further, even longer.

Of all the things I could have done, I simply watched.

There are far greater things in life, worse things, better things, waiting for me somewhere out there, and this is only one of the first steps into the beginning. There'll be more milestones to be carved, more diaries and journals to be written in, more rooms to be filled. But right now, I don't think I can take it anymore.

I wonder if the rest would be the same.

I guess it's not the physical things I'd hold on most to. Not my room, not my books; heck, not even my pillow. It's the things I want to hold on to, but can't.

The small details I've never even realised were this important to me. The way my sister comes home everyday and grouse about homework and hunger. Or maybe the way my dad drives me home after shopping. Or maybe even the long long 'advices' on sufficient sleep.

Sometimes I wonder if it'll ever come back to this.

This eighteen-year-old me, simple, uncomplicated, content.

Leaving my home, leaving my town. Missing out on all the changes I'd never even notice if I'd stayed. Missing out on the day by day events that'll shape my sister from a kid to a teen. Missing out the way wrinkles might (I hope not) form gracefully on the once youthful faces I'd first seen when I was born. Saying goodbye is harder than I'd thought; maybe it's because of letting go.

Perhaps they were right. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.

Hell, I'm homesick already, and I haven't even left home.

I've dreamed many times about the day when I'd finally get to further my studies elsewhere. I'd never foreseen this part. Then again, who would?

It gets you thinking though. Many many seemingly insignificant moments, moments that should be cherished but didn't, we'd taken for granted. The tiny moments where we just sit together for meals, chatting away, ranting about homework and teachers and the general unfairness of being a kid; fighting each other for the comfortable sofas before movies start; reading quietly in the presence of each other, no words needed, quietly, contently, happily.

Someday, and I'm not talking about just this time, I'm going to come home and find that everything has changes, and nothing ever stays the same. The old me who used to read in my pink room while bantering with my sister would have been no more, but casted in history. People changes, things get old, time passes. 

Everything would have changed, and I could do nothing, but watch.

What would I give, to have those moments of blissful content preserved in time... But alas, I'm no God, and even God cannot recover what is past. So I write it all down, in hope that, someday, the future me, no matter where she'll be, will come back and read this, and relive what had been, how it felt to be eighteen again.

Safe; content.

At home. 

Wedding Royale -- A fairytale?

Yup. Today marks the second day of what is rumored to be the wedding of a century. I know I've been real lazy recently, putting off updating this blog and all my other writing assignments, but it's hard to plant myself in front of the computer these days. I wonder if it is the fanfic, or the subconscious me that fears writing (coz of the long long writing hours when I can't seem to stop).

Anyway, yesterday, 29th of April, marks the Wedding Royale, the royal wedding of the phenomenal Prince William Arthur Philip Louis of England, and his bride to be, Catherine Elizabeth Middleton. It's nice to see that a mere commoner like Kate getting married to a Prince for real. It's like a fairytale come true, and that gives us dreamers a break in the unyielding reality and believe in the existence of fairytales.

It's not just the fairy tale likeness in this wedding that's attracted so much attention, including the envy people *hint me hint* get in their hearts at moments through the wedding. It's just so surreal, and after the Diana-Charles fairy tale fallout last decade, people just want to hope that fairy tales really do exist, and they really do last "happily ever after". Added to the fact that this is Princess Diana's eldest son's marriage, well... you know what they say.

I remember watching this movie, 27 dresses, where the heroine says, "The best thing I love about all the weddings I've been to is that moment when the man turns and catch the first glimpse of the bride, and then smiles like he's the luckiest man in the world." I've never really been to weddings like that before, but this time, having seen it live, it's so wonderful I have to remind myself that this is not an act. It's not a movie. It is real.

I love the tiny parts throughout the wedding that really do make these royalty seemed more like people like us. I mean, yeah, of course I know they're just people like us, but there's always a part of you that keeps them on a certain pedestal, that makes them seem so unattainable, so unreachable, like another world. But seeing those little details, like Prince Harry's reassuring whisper right when Kate came in ("Right. Here she is.") and William's resulting smile, I don't know, it's just what people like us would do, I think. And when Kate reached William's side, and William said, "You look lovely," and both smiled... The attempt at breaking the tension by William, "this was supposed to be just a small family affair,".... And the nervous voices when vows were spoken, the shaking hands when the ring was slid on, the small stolen glances and reassuring words between the newly weds....

I guess it makes everything more... us. There's no more them and us, there's just a happy couple standing right there, getting wed.

Albeit, an uncommon royal/commoner couple, that is.

I couldn't remember what Prince Charles and Princess Diana's wedding was like; I wasn't even born. But i have an inkling of what the crowds might have been then. The crowds yesterday might have been more than just a glimpse of the past, it might have been just the same; double, even.

People might ask, what are these people getting all crazed like, over these two strangers they aren't even acquainted with. But, hey, it isn't just the 'strangers' people all over the world are getting all obsessed over, but it's the idea, the small break in reality. Like I previously mentioned, this is the small occasions in life that makes life almost...tolerable. The suggestion that Fairy Tales might have made an appearance in real life. "You can say I'm a dreamer," but hey, who isn't? The moment when the prince and his bride turned and looked at each other, we're transported back into Disney's various animated works : Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty.... I guess that is the reason why people flock over to witness the wedding.

Of course, Prince William being the handsome git that he is, might contribute to that.

And then we proceed to the most waited-for part. The kiss.

Yeah, I've heard various comments like, It was so brief, That was so fast!, it doesn't even look good....

Well, to me, it's good enough. Hey, we've got to keep in mind, these are real people we're talking about. Not actors and actresses acting out a scene in a movie that many of us are used to. And they did it twice! In public! That's good enough for me. It's supposed to be private, these things, and yet, they are doing it for the sake of the entertainment for people all over the globe.

And what caught my attention the most?

The blush that covered both the newly weds cheeks. After the second significantly longer kiss (the first was merely a peck), both the newly weds' faces went from pink to scarlet, even with the bride's make up on. Prince William's face was significantly red. XD I love the moment before they kissed, actually. William was turning to Kate and smiling somewhat bashfully, and then asking, "Are you ready? You ready? Shall we kiss?" and after the first kiss, he turned and asked again, "One more kiss?"

AWWWWWW!!!

It was all very far-away, unattainable, really. But this girl had done it, and it gives us hope; all of us. Hope's very much like despair, it's very contagious.

Well, another element is the dress. Ooh, ouch. What a dress! Designed by Alexander (Alexandra?) McQueen, and inserted with a few ideas from Kate herself, it was really what I dream of. Simple, Elegant, not too Over the top, it brought out the figure of Kate wonderfully, and gave her an air of elegance which i'm so very envious of. I don't really think I can pull off elegant, and I so adore it. *sigh* I wonder if this dress could be lent to me for just a while....

All in all, a wedding worth the attention it got. I wonder how it is like for Kate, and William as well. I mean, when Kate came out to the balcony, she was like "oh wow!"... It must be a great deal of change for her. I mean, I guess it's not what we always think it is. There must be lots of cameras following your every sneeze and step, and also a huge lump of guards trailing you... A sudden change in her life, instead of an easing change, or like William, born into it... It must be awesome and frustrating at the same time.

A normal small-family-affair wedding is scary enough. A huge global wedding-of-the-century wedding should be enough to scare away a herd of gladiators. Huh, well, I guess love grants courage, for a look in the eyes of your lover drags you through the scrutiny of over 20 billion people and the huge butterflies in the tummy. Kate, you ought to be a Gryffindor. :)

And with that, I witnessed history being made, and a real life Fairy Tale.

Mémoire du passé = 2010 (Part 1)

Yup. Memoire du passe. Memory of the past. with a few more days, the very much eventful year 2010 will be yet another chapter in the book of the past, and a new page will fill itself, as is the norm of life. very much, and yet, painfully less can be said about this year, as points of view changes with time and sometimes it is fated that we view more and maybe less of what we may have needed to view at times.


I'd have to start with the things that mattered the most. fine, you guessed it. SPM (shudders). to people, it may serve as the only purpose throughout this whole year (shudders again). i don't know why, but it seems that this seemingly innocent event can be the cause of so many tragedies in our lives. SPM is the nightmare of all nightmares, the war of all wars, the wound of all wounds, the... well, you get the picture. But out of this--event, not only were many secrets revealed, but friendships re-speculated, intentions re-pondered. under extraordinary duress, many people resort to primitive ways of de-stressing, thus leading to uncomely conduct of behaviour. and due to this, foul epidemic that spreads like wildflowers, many friendships were destroyed, trusts broken, promises ruined. memories that were yet to be created just vanished, as if they'd never meant to be created at all. thus is the ways of humanity, the ugliness of humanity that descends upon us humans under stress, an appalling image that haunts us not only in nightmares, but in the living as well.


OMG. I'd just read back on what i wrote and i sound...i can't really find the word. *shakes head to dispel whatever stray thoughts.* i think I've been reading too many fanfic...*shakes head again*


back to the topic. so I'm just saying that I've witnessed and experienced this unsightly epidemic at the climax of its ramifications, first hand. i myself had been both the victim, and also--sad to admit--the culprit. it's hard to control yourself, harder even to know that you've lost control. you might lash out at a person and then regret it later, although there's no way you could take back those despicable words later. and that regret... i wouldn't wish it upon anyone, not even Voldemort. And i realised, SPM was only the beginning of the beginning. SPM is just the first stop of whatever that causes such appalling display of humanity, or, the worst of it. we lash out, then we lash out, and then we lash out. is this life then? Lashing out and then regretting it? can't really imagine.


but through all of this, there's still hope for us, as it might appear. there are people who understands, who tolerates, and who forgives. these are the ones who truly, is a friend. they listen to your troubles, understand you without words, and where words and advices fail, they offer compassion, companionship to what we are going through. and in my case, I'm incredibly lucky to find, not only one, but a handful of these kinda friends. true, they might not be there ALL the time, but still, they are there. these are the people who created laughter and joy throughout this year, with me, at me, by me. and because of them, we never had a stifling (well, never is a strong word, but you get the idea) moment, and we made it through this year with lots and lots more memories to share and to cherish. (with teachers (pn wee!!) too... as weird as that may sound)


and the greatest victory for me this year? my greatest enemy since Primary 1 (greatest is a strong word, but yeah...yada yada...you get the idea) turned out to be one of my bestest friend ever. we communicate without words (and with too many words that sometimes irritate our classmates) and could understand each other perfectly well, as our thoughts are eeriely, tuned together (we think of the same things and the same times, always. JINX!) . as she always said : soulmates, eh? So, right here right now, i grant myself, and her, a little leeway, and give us a chance in her strange way of choosing a soulmate (same sex? not strange? well. *shrugs*) so soulmates, till....(dare i say it?) ... forever.


so with this, i end the summary of this year, in this incredibly, infinitely deserted 'diary' of mine. a memory, kept, till the end of time.

I do

Whew. One more paper left. And i'm left to boredom and bliss. anyhow, i had the first taste of utter bliss yesterday, and i really hope that's how our friendship's gonna last for the rest of my life.




Chinese literature had me sleeping at twelve thirty and out of bed by five, furiously, desperately cramming seemingly endless information into a very reluctant brain. then a drizzle, a bout of rain, and then, naturally, a storm. as if i wasn't shivering enough from the absolute fright and panic. then, after two and a half hours of constant shivering(cold and fright), endless door banging(furious winds), mild cursing(if you call that mild, that is) and a severe bout of hand-wrist malfunction, i was finally walking out of the halls, pencils and pens in hand, finally free of the clutches of my deepest fear--the Chinese literature exam.


as i walk out of the halls, i suddenly had an insight of how the leading role in the romance films always felt-- the strolling-down-the-streets-while-the-wind-blows-your-hair-back-with-the-accompaniment-of-a-string-quintet-playing-out-a-wonderful-tune. well, the blowing hair part was literal, anyway, cause the wind was really driving my hair into clumps of unidentified mess.


then, as i made my way to the front door, a catcall from my side, and there they were, standing there as if they just belonged at my side, waiting for a day of laughter and joy at my place. a ride home, and we were slumped on the couch, lazily watching our eyes off with incredibly romantic films like The Proposal, Letters to Juliet, Pride and Prejudice, Confessions of a Shopaholic, and then The Last Airbender, and The Sorcerer's Apprentice, all the while exchanging sarcastic, interesting comments about the awkwardness, cheesiness, romance of the movies, and the hot guys, cute guys and incredible guys, being chewed out with questions about how the movies gonna end(i'm the one being chewed out, sadly.) and suddenly running out of the house to take a look at those cute little dogs that lived nearby.


then we had funny, "inspiring" conversations about almost everything while having pizza, while one of us uncannily revealed the past(or the present) about her love story while we twisted it around to make another story worth of a movie. we gorged ourselves on potato crisps, an assortment of "junk" food, and 'ooh's and 'aah's as results of the incredible movies. it wasn't until almost half and hour to twelve that we finally reluctantly decided that we couldn't delay the inevitable goodbyes. and so good byes ensued and the night witness the passing of another day.


later that night, in bed, i couldn't help but reflect back on the day, a small smile on my face, and i wondered. Would this last forever? I know, forever is an awfully long long time, but still. would we still be like this, laughing away even after school? would we still stay in touch after going in separate directions, chasing different dreams and working our asses off in various parts of the world? Would we still stay in touch, by post or by mail, by long distance phone calls, or impromptu coffee dates? Would we still laugh together without any care in the world like we did today, gossip viciously as we did today, snuggle down in the sofa and just savouring the presence of each other, just like we did today? would we be like Samantha and the girls in Sex and the City, to just share the joys and fears of growing up, of growing old, of responsibilities, of the engagement rings, the weddings, the kids and all of that, to just be there for each other, no matter what?Would we, after sixty years, sit our seventy-seven-year-old bodies at the front porch and reflect back on the day we first met, almost seventy years ago?


So many questions, and no answers. So simple dreams yet so many possibilities. I hate mysteries, but that's what life is, a big complicated mesh of mysteries. I hate being kept in the dark, but that's what the future is, dark and folded. i ask these questions, and wish--for i can only wish--that these answers are what i will enjoy. I ask these questions, and hope--for there's only hope--that someday, in my twilight years, i will look back and never regret my life. Cause i truly, deeply, madly, fervently wish, hope and want this special bond of ours to last till forever.


So here, i pose this question--do you, my friends, take this emotionally-unstable, sometimes weird, mostly big headed girl as a friend, and be hers, in health and sickness alike, till death do us part?


my answer to you?


I do.