Learning To Stand Again

Sometimes I feel that the older we grow, the more we have to learn.

It's funny, actually, what prompted this bout of creative (my @$$) writing. Remember that time when we were in love with Mia and Michael from Meg's Princess Diaries? Remember how I used to write in my diary every day every minute every second? Remember how I wrote about class was boring and me fantasizing about Zac Efron and my heart stopping during competitions and stuff? How I used to read back then laugh at the preposterous things I spewed?

The times when we were young.

I stopped my last diary entry at approximately 24th of September back in 2010. it wasn't a sudden stop; no, nothing ever is. It was gradual, and I knew it was gonna stop, but I simply couldn't find the determination to continue. To preserve every moment and the innocence (if there ever was one) of being young.

So it stopped. And my blog started to rot and decay as well.

Well, that day, I went grocery shopping, and there was this bright yellow journal which came together with one of my groceries. There was a huge "CHANGE" in the middle of the cover. So I thought, why not, since I didn't bring my original diary with me, and my blog is beginning to look like a poems' page instead of an online diary.

I started to write again.

Or should I say, I started to learn what writing feels like again. Learning to write again, learning to breathe again.

I don't know, ever since I got to this school, all I seem to write is short answers for biology, formal-tin-canned essays for English and Facebook statuses. Every time I open my file where all my past writings were kept in, my mind goes blank.

Even now, I'm facing troubles to find topics to write on, here in my blog.

Learning to write again, not intimidating words or stiff formal writing, but creative writing. Now, one of my favourite past-times is to reread what I had written all these years back, be it bored doodles during classes, or blog posts, diaries entries, even Facebook statuses.

Since when did I become so... boring?

Trying to write my first entry in my new diary was... hard. I didn't know what to write beyond "saw this diary in Giant today while shopping.Decided to start writing again." I couldn't think of a single thing in my day I remembered and wanted to tell the future me. Of course, I'm sure there was thousands of little things worth mentioning, but i was just... blank. My mind went empty.

So I flipped through my mental archive of my past diaries. I remember them being filled with giggly stuff, swoons and thousands of happy and furious memories. Then I went through the stuff I wrote in previous essays, fanfictions and stories. Where did that whatever-ness go to?

Writing needs practice. Even now in school I struggle to form a single coherent sentence while writing the formal English essays. After that, I'm at a loss. What else is there to write? What more can I elaborate on? Unless someone provides the point, I'm useless. I'm only good at editing nowadays. I'm no good at writing anymore, so don't even ask me to write a story.

I'm no more the girl who loves to write anymore; I'm nothing but a shadow of that.

My new diary. It has now a total of four entries--one per day. And it gives me a shadow of the joy I used to feel when reading back my old diaries, back when I was fifteen, sixteen. This is my last teen, I want it to mean something. We used to have time to observe and just observe the world, then put it down on paper. But now... I don't know where all my time goes.

Only time can tell if I can find it again, that old me who could see a simple thing and have lots and lots of inspirations which resulted in lots and lots of memories--colourful, interesting, funny, precious memories. I know it's still there, but maybe it just needs to wake up.

Growing up takes up too much time. People say time is what you give yourself. I agree, I know. But being a kid and having nothing else to do but study and play gives you more time than enough. I know that now. Growing up brings more responsibilities and jobs that take up more time. Time is no longer what it was. Now, to read a book, I have to take the risk that I might not finish my homework today, or tomorrow's test will be a disaster.

People used to say growing up helps you learn more things, to learn more about what you are, where you belong, what makes you tick and what makes you fume. Learn more about how the world works, how everything in earth goes the way it is. The truth is, Yes, I do learn all that--and I love it all--but what's the price? I know I don't have to give up anything I've learned and loved, but something's gotta give. Something's gotta make place for the new things coming in. I'm only human; not a bottomless pit.

Growing up. I don't even know why I wanted it in the first place. I guess everyone just wants what they cannot have.

So I'm learning to stand again. Not actually standing, but stand for those I love. Stand against the current of events sweeping away these things I love. I don't want them to leave me. I don't want them to go away. To keep this part of me close at heart--my new year resolution.

AND yeah, I'm blabbing nonsense again. Shut up, Wart.

P.s. Goodbye February. It was nice meeting you, especially your elusive end. :)

Supposed to Do

There are lots of things I'm supposed to do.

For example, right now, I"m supposed to be listening to the cute soft-voiced librarian in front trying valiantly to teach us how to access the library's large range of resources. I'm supposed to be paying attention so I could finish the research paper I was supposed to finish last semester. I'm supposed to be studying for the upcoming physics test because I haven't finish studying like I was supposed to last night.

I've always heard--or rather, read-- about adults telling children what you need is more important than what you want. Even my favourite fandom, Harry Potter, with all its vast range fanfics deals on what needs to be done. My favourite character, Severus, had been doing what he was supposed to do all his life despite the pain and sorrow that brought him.

There are many things we are supposed to do in life, for the greater good, for future bliss. But how many of us can overcome the temptations that dominate our lives, luring us to do what we want to instead of what needs to be done.

I love to write. God knows I love it. But I've chosen this, I've chosen Medicine, and I'm supposed to learn about all those sciences and stuff related to it. It's my choice, it's what circumstances have chosen for me, and I'd conceded. I'm supposed to stick to it with all my heart and soul, but I can't. I love to write too damn much.

But then again, if everyone did what they were supposed to do, where does the wonder of life and surprises come in? What if Sir Arthur Conan Doyle stuck to being a physician and did what he was supposed to do? Would we even know the wonder of Sherlock Holmes?

What if ?

What if?

What I'm supposed to do, and what I'm doing.

It's a lifelong dilemma.

Going Against The Tide

Going against the tide

I'm going against the tide

Rough winds do come my way

And chilly winter snows

But across this sea of dangers and foes

I'll go against the tide

Strong I might not be, weak-willed I am

First one through the wall, he bleeds the most

But with you waiting there

I'll go against the tide

Soon I know the sun will shine

Arise those clouds of ruddy light

To know soon you will be near to me

I'll go against the tide

Going against the tide

I'm going against the tide

I'm going against the tide

For you

Valentine (Song)

Going home on a rainy day

There's a test on history I haven't read yet

It's Valentine

And I'm home tonight it's a lonely day

In my room I'm with my teddy bears

Scrawling your name all over again

Check my cell phone again

Are you lonely tonight or are you out on a date 

I'm wondering if you know this secret

I've been stealing glances when you walk by

Chorus

It's just another day

When they go hand in hand

And roses rain above over their heads

It's just another day

I hope you'll come and say

If you could tonight

If you would tonight

Would you be my Valentine

It's five to seven I'm cleaning up

The phone is ringing I run and grab it

Mum's calling now

It's Valentine, she'll be late tonight

And I'm home alone in one big empty house

I pin up my cards of Valentines

Writing down your name

I know it's probably late, but I don't care right now

I'm wondering if you know this secret

I'm picking one out and heading to your house

Chorus

It's just another day

When they go hand in hand

And roses rain above over their heads

It's just another day

I hope you come and say

If you could tonight

If you would tonight

Would you be my Valentine

The doorbell rings as I'm heading out to the street

And you're standing outside in the rain looking like someone I'd kiss

And you smile when you held out the rose

You say

Chorus

It's just another day

When we go hand in hand

And roses rain above over our heads

It's just another day

I'm gonna come and say

If you would tonight

If you could tonight

Would you be my Valentine

Would you be my Valentine

Sleep

Lost so early, lost so sweetly

Lost so swiftly to ones so dearly

Little dearie, don’t cry baby,

I’ll hold you tightly when the skies are raining.

Sleep soundly, sleep sweetly

Don’t dream of the evil that haunts your mornings

Come dawn’s first light we’ll fight till victory

Till the skies rain tears and the soil bleed freely

But close your eyes now, my darling, sleep

Rest your weary heart, there’d be no more hurting.

Unnatural

They say we aren't meant to be together

They say it's wrong

They say the world wasn't made this way

That it is unnatural

Who are they to tell us what's wrong or what's right?

Who are they to say we're wrong?

Who are they to judge us when all we wanted was to be happy?

Who are they to judge it's unnatural?

People are entitled to find love

What's wrong with finding it in different places?

Humans are different, in names and in faces

Why is this so unnatural?

We're meant for one another, soul and all

We're just born in the wrong places

A tiny mistake, an obstacle,

Is it really that unnatural?

Love should be without barriers

Love exist for everyone at anywhere

But they try to pull us apart, to tear us into pieces

So why are we the ones who's unnatural?

Friends and foes alike, we are just like you

We're just different 'cause Fate made it so

Please don't push us away, don't make it hurt

We are not unnatural. 

I Will Hold You

I will hold you tightly when you’re lonely,

I will hold you quietly when you’re jammed.

I will hold you tenderly when you’re sad,

I will hold you sweetly when you’re happy.

I will hold you shamelessly when you’re weary,

I will hold you proudly when you’re victorious.

I will hold you gingerly when you’re vicious,

I will hold you gently when you’re wounded.

I will hold you gracefully when you stumble,

I will hold you faithfully when you’re climbing.

I will hold you, always,

So when you fall and fall and fall,

It’s my arms you’ll fall into

It’s love you’re falling in.

Me (As Honest As I Can Be to Myself in 2012)

(Inspired by a friend and a friend of a friend)

I am Me, Me is I

I am strange, I am unique

I am checking my tongue in the mirror for signs of swelling or shrinking buds

I am noisy, I am lively

I am fighting with a friend by singing by yelling songs at the top of my voice

I am vain, I am insecure

I am looking around for something to hide the cellulite appearing somewhere somehow 

I am lazy, I am striving for freedom

I am searching for ways to evade the grasp of merciless homework, exams and grounding conformity

I am egoistic, I am strong

I am holding back sweat and tears to prove I don't bleed and I don't hurt like the others

I am unrealistic, I am a dreamer

I am making up worlds and stories where I'm saved and enraptured and captured by villains and princes

I am self-conscious, I am self-improving

I am rechecking the comments on Facebook and other websites to know what others think of me

I am pretentious, I am confident

I am loving every moment something is produced by me be it stories poems songs and the things I love

I am cowardly, I am sensitive
I am running away from the little chains of homework and exams that anchor me on the ground

I am nosy, I am caring

I am listening in on the conversation beside me to figure out how and what I can do to help

I am insincere, I am wanting to please,

I am laughing at every joke when it isn't funny cause I want you to just smile with me

I am shy, I am friendly

I am waiting for you to smile at me before I go up to you and scare you away with my overly vicious hello

I am intrusive, I am enthusiastic

I am barging into your room demanding to know what you eat because you were too quiet and alone

I am careless, I am carefree

I am brushing off all the wrong spellings I did in the exams when there are words to copy from

I am vulgar, I am open-minded

I am laughing away the dirty jokes that you lump on me and adding stranger kinkier aspects

I am fickle, I am whimsical

I am grinning at the poo-shaped stain I made when the tears dripped into my diary

I am unorganized, I am spontaneous

I am blabbing about baboons and butts when I couldn't find my notes for the speech I'm presenting now

I am easily addicted, I am passionate

I am reeling off magical spells today and vampire myths tomorrow and Justin Bieber's Baby yesterday

I am silly, I am romantic

I am pretending there's someone who raises me up when I can't reach the top shelves in my study

I am boring, I am creative

I am writing this as a testament that I can be boring to you but creative to the person who lives in my head

I am irritating, I am persistent

I can make you read this over and over until I feel you get the message I want you to get --

That 

I am Me, and Me is I.

I Don't Dare

(Inspired by peeking)

I don't dare to look at you

I fear the rushing of blood and the thump-thumping of the heart

And I know sleepless nights follow

Singing lullabies of unreal dreams

I don't dare to look at your face

I fear the shine and glaze in front of my eyes

And it's so blinding I can't see for a while

Stumbling along the line between realities

I don't dare to look into your eyes

I fear the reflection of the stranger I see from its depths

And feel everything crashes down like storms

Thundering everywhere till everything's wrong.

I don't dare, no, I don't dare to tell you that,

Because that's what we do

We keep our distance

When we keep our secrets, secret.

Dare me now, dare me,

Cause I don't dare.

Hours, Minutes, Seconds.

Hours.

Minutes.

Seconds.

Not a lot more left now.

What do I want to bring to the new year, I asked myself.

I drew a blank.

There were various posts, tweets, and crude pictures about what they want to bring to the new year. Some were pretty, some creative, some....rude. But they all had something they wanted to bring.

Me, I just want to bring my eighteen-years-old.

One more day. Just one more day.

What would I bring?

I'd bring my memories. I'd bring my family. I'd bring my friends. I'd bring my passions.

I'd bring my past.