It's been only two weeks of trials and here I am, panting, losing sleep, drowning in caffeine like a fish craves water. My heart rate is perpetually elevated and every second feels so precious I feel like I'm wasting my energy breathing, eating and sleeping instead of trying to cram everything into my already enlarged head.
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| That's usually me in the morning. So lovable, don't you think? |
Even my best friend--sleep--evades me. It's either tossing and turning in bed until the little wee hours of the morning, fretting and worrying about the upcoming test; or it's jumping--literally--out of bed feeling like I've been chased by Freddy Krueger for the last ten miles.
Perhaps I'm just underprepared, and if I study just a little more I'd be perfectly fine. Perhaps it's just being surrounded by geniuses who are so very diligently working and so very focused that I'm scared witless that I might not be able to compare. Perhaps it's just the fear of being left behind. Perhaps it's just not being able to accept that everyone works at their own pace in their own way and I probably shouldn't try to learn from people who doesn't need much time to prepare.
Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.
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| Someone even wrote a book on it. |
Two weeks of utter exhaustion, of both the body and the mind. I've found out things I never knew about myself, I found out things I never knew about some friends, I've found out that nothing's ever really impossible, and that a lot of people have different approaches to different things and different stimulus, that I shouldn't always assume others will react to things the same way I would.
Ah. Not really in the mood to dwell on what's past. Perhaps all I should do with the past two weeks is to learn from it what I don't normally learn enough -- that I'm really really in need of serious catching up. Of course, that and all those shows of humanity-at-its-best that really puts me in awe. Whew, the things that some people come up with. Really adds some spice to life, y'know?
Funny that almost every test reverts people back to their most primitive state, and all sorts of oddities show up. Perhaps it's only odd to me (since 'like' attracts 'like') and I'm pretty sure I'm odd, if only in a different way.
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| What am I doing here? |
Thank god for days where I can release everything and just stare at the ceiling doing nothing and let my mind wander like a child again. Thank all the people who made it possible for me to laze around like an invalid, especially those who laze around with me. Those people are important, especially when they so much reduce the guilt for lazing around when others are working their butts off.
If this is how I feel now, imagine how I'll feel in the coming ten years. Maybe I'll have permanently curved legs from all the weight by then. *hysteric laughter*
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| Well, on the bright side, perhaps I'll have those tiny legs after all from those chains. |
Ah. One step at a time, babe. One step at a time. We'll deal with it when they come hitting you in your face alright? Plus, I'm pretty sure all of this will be a breeze compared to what's coming later. *bites lips* Maybe one day in the future I'll look back and laugh at myself for working myself up for something so... tiny.
We'll see.
On a side note, those steps do get lighter, better when you have friends who are willing to do crazy things for you, with you, at you. Sometimes, after a strenuous day of info-cramming, all it takes is just a single word from the right person to lift my spirits. I'm lucky to have a bunch of unrestrained friends to cheer me up on days like this.
Hats off to you people who light up my life. *grins* One person who does crazy things is mentally ill, where a group of people acting crazily is called fun. I'm relying on you guys to make me fun instead of psycho. =P
Signing off for now. Will see you soon.
Hang in there.
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