So This Is How It Feels Like

So this is how it feels like. To be an enemy of time and circumstances.

So this is how it feels like.

I can't say I like it. I can't even honestly say I hate it. Time has been a friend for so long, a balm for all things, if not a cure, that I know it's doing what it does, and this isn't personal. Time has been a friend for so long, that it's kinda hitting me hard that for almost the first time in my life, just when everything is finally looking up, time isn't on my side.

I want to rage. I want to be angry, and throw things, and be mad at the world, at the circumstances that led us here, but all I can muster up is a deep aching sadness. That, and an inability to stop the leaking pipes that used to be eyes.

Why did I accept this so quickly? Have I always?

After accidentally stumbling upon what I've been looking for so long, in the most unexpected place, why am I accepting this so quickly?

But maybe somewhere deep down I've never really actually believed anything would come out of this. Somewhere deep down I've never really believed that things like this happened to me. And we were doomed from the very start, with the sands of time slowly counting down the fall of reality's guillotine.

So this is how it feels like.

This unrelenting knot at the back of my throat. This precarious perch of moisture upon my lashes. Perpetually wet cheeks. Muffled anguish. Smiling masks.

Vaguely familiar, yet so very different.

I know I'll get through this. I've always gotten through things, usually because there was no other choice. But I've never been good at delayed gratification. I've never been good at the long game. I've never been good at fucking letting go.

So this is how it feels.

To have and to hold. To having to let go.

So this is how it feels.

Strong arms. Soft kisses. That overwhelming scent of safe safe safe.

So this is how it feels.

To want, and to be wanted.

So this is how it feels.

Warm breaths. Sturdy hands. Heartbeats shuddering against my cheek.

So this is how it feels.

The warring mind and heart.

This is how it feels.




I don't know if I'd have wanted to know if this is how it feels.