Sunday, April 3, 2016

Breathe 한숨 ( Lee Hi )

 连发出一声叹息都感到困难的一天
  现在不要再想别的事情 
  试着深吸一口气吧  再如往常般呼出 




歌被唱到心里去了;是累了烦了还是喘不过气来了? 

脑浆快被榨干了;

穿上沉重的外套;

沉重得肩膀塌了,撑不住了。



想做的事很多,得做的事更多;

能做的事却寥寥无几。



谁来给我个紧紧的拥抱,紧得稍微疼痛发麻;

紧得把一切挤出脑外心外,

让我暂时让大脑放空,

另一种窒息。



唉。

先啥都不想,深吸口气。


*呼* 

*息*

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

2015 - The Short Version



And I still am clueless most of the time. Who says you can learn from mistakes?

Monday, October 12, 2015

罗密欧 | 朱丽叶 | 芭蕾 | 爱情

2015   十月   十二日 (晴)伦敦皇家歌剧院

经典 : 罗朱 之  阳台谈情 (Balcony Scene)  feat. 我的最爱 Steven McRae

还是同一幕 - 阳台谈情 : 罗与朱深陷的那一刻,也就是我为芭蕾更无法自拔的一刻。
(那无以伦比的Arabesque Penche En Pointe 之魅力 <3 <3 <3 )

是否因他而开始注意爱情了?

身边的每一个人都让自己有所体会有所感动;一直以来觉得毫无逻辑的罗密欧与朱丽叶,竟然让自己掉泪了。

那种突如其来的哭天抢地的爱情 --- 怎么这次竟不觉得是这样了?

没有责怪他们的愚蠢;这次好似带上了不同的眼睛看这一对不幸的情侣在不知怜悯的世界里被残酷的时间情景逼上毫无退路的悬崖。吾爱非浅;他俩的一见钟情也许不可能在这现实的世界里出现,可那失去吾爱的疼痛并不因为还生嫩的恋情而不痛了。

为爱而奋不顾身;这次,我明白了。


罗密欧得知朱丽叶被许配给巴黎,二人怎么说断就断?(多漂亮!又是我最爱的 Arabesque Penche en Pointe <3 )


让我泪湿满面的那一幕;罗密欧死了 ='(

亲身经历了没被回复的 affection,是否让自己更加敏感了?

更懂得珍惜疼爱自己的人,更懂得爱与被爱不是理所当然的,学会了爱情并不是轰轰烈烈而灿烂了;平凡里的不平凡 --- 那些每一天每一分每一秒一起面对的争执战斗,每一刻面对着同一个人却更能接受对方更觉得他迷人的那种表面上清淡的affection ---- 我更觉浪漫了。

清清淡淡简简单单,没有很大的宣誓,而爱却在每一个小动作里现身—从他身边经过时顺手的一个轻抚,说话时小小的一个眼神一个笑容一个只属于你跟他的瞬间… 

爱得越深表现越小却更频繁了。

而爱我的和我爱的我应更珍惜那方?爱我的人我开始察觉到了,有很多很多。而他们让我在寒冷的冬季里莫名的温暖。所以,我想暂时把我恋的搁着,而慢慢的去学会去爱那些爱我的人。也许我这是说到做不到的(因为太了解自己而更这样觉得);放下自己心里特想要的对这颗蘑菇(aka 本小姐)来说也许太难了,可我会尽量的。





有时候觉得,爱一个人是个一世都在修学的学问。路上也许会有我现在的cathartic时刻,也许会有迷失方向的时候,可我这幸福的小孩有着太多爱我的人 --- 我深信他们肯定会在我迷失的时候指引我从新步入我该走的路。 



Saturday, April 4, 2015

突然。想家了。

多一个小时就得搭车到飞机场去。到一个与春天同义的地方。

昨天病了。前几天看见朋友生病了还暗自庆幸不是自己病了,结果……

尝试着在前往机场前几个小时小睡,可这脑袋根本不想配合。找些老歌让自己放松入睡,然后突然想哭了。

不是那种很平常很偶尔的几滴泪;是打从心底不能停止完全不受控制地,回到小时候那种放肆的嚎啕大哭。好久没有这样哭了,这样毫无顾虑的放声大哭。可这次,没有往常那种刚被洗净单纯的安慰;这次哭完后,只有一种莫名的,空。

曾经看过人家边哭边说心痛,我可不曾相信—那种心痛怎可能是真痛,又不是心脏病什么的。

小时候的自己还真够单纯。



是想家了吧。在外面一个人鲜少有这种想家的时刻,毕竟朋友多的是,学校活动忙的不可开交,哪来的时间想这么多。

可昨天因定错机票而对家人发脾气,虽然是自己的错,心里也知道百分百是自己的粗心,可还是对他们发脾气了。然后那天晚上我梦见我回家了,似乎没有离开过的在家人的怀里依偎着,看电影,吃晚餐;一个非常平常的晚上。然后突然梦里爸爸提醒了自己去Amsterdam的行李还没收拾好 — 我惊醒了。

闭上眼睛逼自己回到梦里,开玩笑,都已知道是梦了。

突然想念你们了。想念非常有力非常温暖的拥抱,想念一起围坐在餐桌争着是该谁洗碗了,想念安静的做在一起看书看戏,想念一起唱歌……

我不能继续了。渐渐窒息,被回忆袭击,我不能呼吸。


Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Sheer Love, Sheerios. :)

All my senses come to life
When I'm stumbling home as drunk as I have ever been
And I'll never leave again
'Cause you are the only one

And that pretty much sums up the first experience of my first concert. 

A choice I'll never regret. Ed Sheeran.

Sheer magic.

So I'll apologize in advance if I'm not entirely coherent throughout this post as I foresee bouts of fangirling in between paragraphs.

*squeals*

***

Right. From the very start. Here we go. 

I wasn't really excited about the concert at first. After all, I'd bought the ticket on a spontaneous decision on a very unusual, very brave urge. I was simply walking down St Stephen's shopping center past the small Ticketmaster booth and thought, why not?

After all, Ed's a pretty good singer, unlikely to go all yucky in live performances. And his songs are pretty great. Look at Give Me Love. All Of the Stars. Kiss Me. 

So I bought it. Alone.


My First Concert Ticket!

And then started to hit myself over the head for it. Nobody was going, from what I know. Like, I would be going alone. 

Something I'd never done, nor had plan on doing. 

Not a really exciting prospect now.

I guess the experience would be a bit more terrifying -- going to my first concert alone-- had the day been nicer to me. Don't get me wrong; it was still pretty daunting finding out how to get to the arena in a mass of strangers. But I was already so bummed out by the lousy day I was having that the fear and trepidation wasn't really so intense.

See how the rain totally destroys EVERYTHING?!
It was so rainy that day, and nothing went right. I was angry, frustrated, slightly depressed; I was everything but happy or excited. I thought I was gonna go watch the concert like one would go to the movies. The rain trailed me like a crazy stalker would, splashing me with every step, getting into my hair, my shoes, my socks. I was like squishy Spongebob, minus the happy smile.


I got to the O2, otherwise known as the 3Arena now. No idea why they changed the name, but not a very important point. 

I guess it was typical of me to identify the Malaysian accent amidst a throng of Irish. Excited to have met at least someone, I turned to the two girls behind me and did a bit of the 'that accent' dance. ( *Infostall : the Accent Dance : You Malaysian? Yeah, how you know?! Aiya, I Malaysian too leh! Your accent too Malaysian d!)

Le Me in front of the O2


Properly introduced now, we entered the arena and promptly found ourselves in front of the souvenir stall.

This is the part where I patted myself on the back when I got home. Things were horrifically priced at the stall. 10euros for a rubber wrist band. 15 for a mug. Naturally, I deliberated for the longest time before settling on buying a tee with Ed on it. After all, I was convincing myself, it was my first concert, and it'd be a bit stupid not to have something to commemorate it, right?

I was such a genius. I'd be banging my head on the nearest wall if I hadn't bought that tee with his face on it. XD



I shall now skip ahead to the opening act now instead on harping about all the tiny details about how bored I was waiting for stuff to start and wondering why I'm not more excited or roused by this. 

...
This is going to be a leeeeetttlllleeee cheesy, but bear with me there, okay? Fangirl moments should never be restrained.

And I swear I really did felt like that.

Right. Onwards!

...

After hours (well, more like minutes, but I was so bored), the lights finally dimmed. 

The music started. Softly at first, and then it started to swell, with the basses and the gradual pounding of the drums beating out a rhythm my heartbeat can't help but follow. And just like magic, all my previous frustration, anger, rainy mood dissipated, leaving me with a slow swell of mixed emotions, building and building until it feels like I was gonna burst from the intensity of it. 

And when you think it'd reached its peak, it brings you further, higher. 

It was amazing. 

And it was only the opening act.

Plenty of time for selfies with the stage
It's funny how music heals. Not that I didn't know it before, but previously it was more subtle than this. Like, more lyrics than just music. 

But this is just... Magic.

*infostall : This happens almost every time I hear a live band. Not at this intensity though, but it happens. And I gush every single time. MUSIC IS MY BESTEST FRIEND!

The opening was by a band called Saint Raymond. Though I had one of the best seats (in the middle of the arena, thus a clear perpendicular view of it folks. GAH. My luck is awesome) I couldn't really make out their faces, so I can't really say they are more hotties than cuties, or if they had cool hair-whips or really weird ones. 

But their songs are ... not bad.

Then again, they had a British accent, so they win. Hands Down.

BOOYAH.

There's the saints. can't really see anything though. better if you were there. BOOYAH!

I shall now skip ahead to when my *squeals* darling came out. There were drastic increases in the decibels of the cheers, but not really that much in my own head (not yet). Like, oh hey, there he is with his guitar. I was still wondering about his backup singers and musicians to be honest. Like, they had rearranged the stage so that the previous band instruments were all lugged and kept away, leaving four very weird rock like objects on the floor with two mics. 

Scratching my head at that point. 

Is he not going to have drums? What kind of concert doesn't have a drumset? This is not an acoustic session is it?! Are there no lead guitars? Keys? Drums!! I mean, I don't expect awesome visuals for 42euros, but at least have a band...?!

The stage with the four weird rocks and two mics. 


Then he started singing. 

OH.

That was the moment I discovered he didn't need all those. Just his voice alone can pull my heart around like no man's business. And don't even get me started on the guitar. Flying. Fingers. 'Nuff said.

If someone serenades me like that there'd be no question who I'd marry.

I never did expected this. It was as if he was playing back his albums. There were absolutely no differences between his live performances and his studio recorded albums. His control over his voice was so damn spectacular I wanted to die. His falsettos went all thin and thready and sodelicateineedtobreatheicantbreathcauseitssopretty and when the songs went up and up and cried about how broken-hearted he was his voice went up together and wrenched my soul out. 

Missed notes, trembling voices, shaky guitar playing? 

NADA. 

It was a one-man show; just his voice, and his guitar. 

GAH HE IS WITH HIS GUITAR AND SINGING MY HEART OUT OF MY MEDIASTINUM

He started by playing I'm A Mess (very appropriate considering my state at the time), Lego House (yesyesyesyesyes) and One (blubbering mess). By the time he finished One and Thinking Out Loud, I was so deeply in love that I didn't know how it felt not to be in love. 

I did notice that he did have drum beats, and like, background music. I was a bit meh; Don't play music from the speakers -- make it in front of me. Give BIRTH to it. 

And then I saw it.

*knocks myself over the head for thinking bad of Eddie* 

*increase fangirl level*

The man was a freaking genius. 

I hadn't noticed the weird keyboard thingy at his feet. I though he had this weird thing for stomping erratically when he's in the flow; I have weird movements when I sing too, okay? Music don't judge.

But I guess I was a bit of an idiot for not realising he was actually controlling something with his foot, and it turned out to be this weird keyboard thing which can record stuff he plays or sing. 

Thus, the need for a second mic.

I was impressed beyond logic. There he was, singing, and playing the guitar, and arranging layers and layers of music to all of his songs on the spot. With just one guitar. 


There were drumbeats he banged out on the body of the guitar (which he recorded), and riffs he played (which he recorded as well) and harmonies (recorded) and backup vocals (ditto) and so many many many more that he did with that keyboard. And while he was singing he was controlling all of these -- which one to playback, which ones to combine; all that jazz.

Even when he was singing rap.

Like, I lose my head when I need to play and sing at the same time. He was freaking doing four or five things at the same time.

#mindblown

Mild rapping state - me like the symmetry of this shoot. Blurry thanks to the awesome zoom on iPhones cam. Still awesome, iPhones. <3

Thus came the swooning.

He had that cute accent, which on normal days is enough to make me swoon. He smiles bashfully into the mic every single time when he sings something awfully romantic, like he's remembering what made him wrote that. He had a very cute boyish charm around him when he sings and speaks and the way he runs around the stage when he's rapping makes him all the more cuter. Like an overexcited boy (though he's older than  me by two years -- gah just two years and he's achieved international stardom while I'm still here living off leftovers and rotting in basically nothing.)

He did confessed too, that he'd developed a cough or something though, which made all his control over his voice all the more amazing. 

Singing like that with a cough. Man's got talent, man. 

His many expressions when singing. *swoons*
And during the concert he involved all of us. He divided us into different groups and had us sing different vocals and made us do harmonies and it sounded simply brilliant to have so many people singing together and waving lights around and about and he roused the crowd up so much and  ohgodiwanthimrightnowsomuchithinkimgonnaspontaneouslyburstintoflamesandjustdie

I really can't form coherent sentences right now; his brilliance is overshadowing (or rather, blinding) conscious thought. 

My favourite part though, was when he sang his older songs, the ones that brought him to me. The ones that initially tugged on my chordae tendinae.

Give Me Love.

The A Team.

Little Bird. (He even told a little story about how this song was when someone convinced him to rescue a little chicken but it died. It was so cute.) 

And it was when he sang The A Team that I felt that initial swell of emotions inside me peak. He'd had us whip out anything we can find that emits light - lighters, flashlighs, phones; anything. And we waved it all around while the stage went crazy with white lights as he crooned out The A Team. It made me feel as if we were doing a small version of our wish-you-well to some of those poor souls the song was talkin about.  It was spectacular, and it hit really close to heart.

You get how awesome it was now? See all the people there. See what he made us into. HEAVEN. 

The sheer brilliance of the lights does not show up on film right. 

I didn't really want to go when he finally finished his encore. We were all still singing and high on music when we made our way out. But what else could we do? And it was still freaking raining outside. 

I went home that day a newly converted Sheerio.

He invoked in me the same feeling TSwift used to invoke in me; his and her lyrics were similarly awesome, except that he's a guy, and his lyrics are amazingly unguyishly (yes, that's a word I made up, and no, I'm not saying he's weird or anything; just that those lyrics are so sensitively romantic and hits all the right spots) romantic, though not in a totally dramatic way like most of Taylor's lyrics are.

*infostall : Yes I do love how Taylor's lyrics are - all those drama and extravagant gestures of love and all the crashing and burning and spontaneous combustion. But Taylor's lyrics did slowly develop a more everyday-life feel to it, and made me even more in love.

Dramatic Red and Black And White. Yippee kay yay!

BUT.

Ed's were more simple; there's a certain softness to his declaration of love through his lyrics. Like love was something that requires delicate handling, but still could withstand some of the chaotic music that goes along with it.  It was simple, light, delicate, but it evokes the same strong emotions that comes with being in and out of love. Like the Chinese poems I love so much. 

And it's not just the lyrics.

I don't know why, but his voice had always been soothing to me, especially when it's crooned through headphones. Every time I have a test, or exams, or just generally feeling down or angry, his crooning voice calms me like a lullaby calms a baby. Like the calm of the ocean weighting down the turbulent sand beneath it, making it settle. And his old songs were my go-to songs every single time when I need to calm down, or when I'm walking home after a particularly hard day.

Damn you, romantic Ed. 

yesithinkimgonnagositdownandcryandlistentomoreofhissongsthroughmyearphonesbecauseicanthavehimsingtomefacetofaceineedtonsoficecreamrightnowimsolateforschoolbutidontreallycare

Gah. I don't think I can form anymore coherent thoughts as my fangirl side is desperately shoving her way out. I just wanna go back to listening to him crooning into my ear, and really really listen to the lyrics. :) 

I shall share with you my favourites for now though. 

* One (this is a total heart-breaker)
All my friends have gone to find
Another place to let their hearts collide. 

I listen to sad songs, singing about love
And where it goes wrong?


Photograph (this one tells long distance like nobody's business)
Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes.
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph, 
We make these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing, and hearts are never broken
And time is frozen still

So you can keep me inside the pocket of  your ripped jeans
Holding me close until our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone


While i'm away
I will remember how you kiss me
Under the lamppost back on sixth street
Hearing you whisper through your phone

Wait for me to come home


*  Tenerife Sea
We are surrounded by all of these lies and people who talk too much
you got the kind of look in your eyes as if no one knows anything but us 


* Thinking Out Loud
* Wake Me Up 
Basically all the lyrics of the above two songs 'cause typing these lyrics has fully awakened the fangirl beast who's trying to fit everything in here. 

So. I shall sign off now. And wait calmly for the music video of Thinking Out Loud (which is releasing TODAY at 3pm).

Toodles.

:)

As long as you whisper you love me. :) Sorry, can't resist a final Ed.



Tuesday, September 30, 2014

你不知道的事



当你的眼直视着我,
我在你面前,
乱。
窒息。
而你的目光依旧,
我闭上双眼遮挡不切实际的渴望。


当你的眼直视着她,
我在你身后,
痛。
窒息。
而你的目光依旧,
我闭上嘴巴护着不可告人的妄想。


当你的眼直视着远方,
我在你身旁,
酸。
窒息。
而你的目光依旧,
我闭上耳朵模糊着震耳欲聋的寂寞。


当你的眼紧闭的时候,
我在你身边,
跳。
窒息。
而你的倦容依旧
我轻碰二公分里太平洋的距离。


当你眼里的善意微笑,
轻轻地,
我的心灵
安息。
我明白;
最利的剑背后可是双最温柔的手。


当你的眼默默地送我离开,
我在你前面,
不见了。


挽回了心吗?


却已伤痕累累。


Friday, September 19, 2014

曾经,你说



曾经,你说,静坐其实是种浪漫。

曾经,你说,陪伴比浪漫更实在。

曾经,你说,浪漫无需夸张表示。

而,

现在的我,

只能在你那绿灯亮起时,

默默地守着,

陪伴着,

等待着…

直到你那绿灯熄灭的时候,

也让自己的心,

带上守护着的浪漫,

轻轻睡去。

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Leave

-Heartache-

You know how people sometimes describe heartache? That deep, dull, throbbing, empty space where your heart should have been?

Like something --  or someone -- had plunged a sharp-clawed hand deep into your chest and plucked that cherry-like organ from its branch.

You know what's worse than that?

Knowing it'll hit. Knowing it'll hurt. Knowing everything about it, but never knowing when it'll start.

There's nothing greater, or more significant than the occurrence of a heartache. It's soundless, signless, merciless, yet it reduces one's world to a chaos of deafening pain; made worse by no outward appearances.

No signs that you're suffering inside. No physical pain to distract you.

Just you, the silence that surrounds you, and the pain that screams inside.




-Fear-

You know how people sometimes describe fear? That helpless, vulnerable, debilitating, terrified feeling when you are faced with a situation you have no control over?

Like something -- or someone --  had plunged a sharp-clawed hand deep into your chest and squeezed out whatever remnants of rationality left.

You know what's worse than that?

Knowing what you fear. Knowing why you fear. Knowing everything about it, and knowing you can't really do anything about it.

There's nothing greater, or more significant than when you're forced against something you fear. It's endless, breathless, merciless, and it reduces one's world to a chaos of thumping pain; made worse by no control over it.

No way to stop it. No way to prevent it.

Just you, the dread that surrounds you, and the pain that screams inside.




-Leave-

To depart, exit, disappear.

To leave.



....................
It's come to a point in my life when all three things are to be combined together by a single, rather uneventful journey. It's strange -- ironic even-- how most of the time the most common things can evoke the most uncommon emotions.

Stranger when, on repeated exposure to these common things, the emotions evoked can change.

I know, this is not the first time this has happened, nor will it be the last. But it is one of the rare times that I feel such conflict in myself.

Leaving home. I've done this countless times over the past few years, leaving for gradually longer periods for gradually further destinations. And every time it evokes extreme reluctance, with only extreme anticipation for the next time I shall return.

And every time before this, there was only heartache. Never fear. Not in this way, anyway.

I don't know why, but this impending journey brings both reluctance to leave, but not much anticipation to return. Of course there is some small measure of eagerness to return, but not much. This time though, there's the very strange feeling of looking forward to leave, however small and insignificant it is compared to my reluctance to leave.

But this eagerness is bound to grow (as it is the case with me and my experience with myself this past 21 years or so) once I'm removed from my reluctance. And I will be removed, for nothing can change this impending journey.

And that's what different this time.

I'm changing. I fear this change, but I cannot do anything about it. I fear this subtle, unnoticed change will somehow affect the ties and bonds which keeps my world the way I know it, and turns everything topsy-turvy.

I have come to realise that fear and heartache aren't necessarily different things. At the very least, they are interconnected in such intricate patterns that trying to separate these two is near impossible.

Leaving showed me that. 

 This time, leaving brings along the usual heartache. That I shall leave and not be able to see, or hug, or breathe this familiarity on a daily basis. That part of me shall be left behind in a gradually changing world that I'll not be able to see simply because I'm not there physically. That I shall be living away from my safe haven and not have immediate access to my safety nets.

But this time, leaving brings along fear. Fear that I have changed, and will have even bigger changes as more time and miles are put between me and my home. That my disinclination for any exertion (also called more popularly as laziness) will allow large chunks of time to pass by with no records, leaving most of my youth unmarked and eventually lost.Fear that I shall allow more distance to grow between me and my home, my family, my friends because I'm not in close contact with them and the 'out of sight, out of mind' part of me will reign freely.

Fear, that I shall come back to a completely different world, and things and people have changed so much that I shall not regain that familiarity and be reduced to a bobbing buoy in a vast expense of crashing waves.


Time, really, screws everybody. And this disinclination of mine to let things go isn't really healthy. But I just want everything to stay the same, for nobody to leave, for nobody to age, for my sister to stay that little toddler I used to know (which she still is, just not physically anymore), for the interaction between my friends to still be that comfortable and effortless. These changes aren't significant -- until you leave. 

I don't want to leave. But I know, that once I'm there, I won't be counting the days till I return too. My inertia is strong like that. And I feel awful for that. 

And that, is why I hate leaving. 

Well, that, and the fact that the luggage allowance is never enough.

Not really relevant, these lyrics, but it is One Day More for me right now. :(



Wednesday, May 7, 2014

打仗

不知怎么这图片让我想起一个人 *哈哈哈*

.....

最强的敌人莫过于自己。

和自己打仗 --
以脑里最强的矛攻打最弱的盾;
还是,
以心里最弱的矛攻打最强的盾?

.....

打着一场没胜算的仗。

该把大脑捶醒,而让自己的心冬眠去。


Tuesday, May 6, 2014

当黑夜降临的时候



当黑夜降临的时候,
一个人的天空似乎阔大很多很多;
我想展翅,飞到无人的地方,
发现,
其实那地方正在身旁。

当黑夜降临的时候,
被世界随意践踏那伤痕累累的身心
在黑暗的安抚下,慢慢地缝合;
曾经,
曾经的痛随着微风飘去。

爱尔兰的黑夜,
被白天的无情慢慢侵蚀着
我一个人的天空,身心的归宿,
被如同癌细胞般的白天一秒一秒地腐蚀
我还剩下什么?

踏出门外那傍晚九时正的白天。

莫名的无助。

莫名的伤感。

莫名地想回到黑暗的家。