Don't go, 2011

"I'll always look back  As I walk away
This memory will last  For eternity
And know that my tears Will be lost in the rain
As I find my way back  To your arms again
And until that day You know you are
The queen of my heart."


Indeed. I'll always look back, no matter how far I still have to go, or how short time I've left. This is the year that everything changed.

A year to remember, indeed.

Like I said, this year is the one that had time lose all sense. A month became three, half a year became a single day, minutes became hours and vice versa. Time seems to fly, yet freeze at the same time. I can't believe it's coming to an end.

This year was one lifetime ago. This year was my past. This year is my future. All in one, and one for all.

Ach, the start of the year was so different, remember? (Oh right. there weren't any blog posts on that. Double S.O.R.R.Y.) It was after school, after all of the hustle and bustle of SPM, the great exam, no homework, no folios. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I didn't even have to go to work or anything. Just stayed at home, chilling out, get all frenzied about fanfic, fell in love, stalk unmet strangers, chat with fellow authors. The pinnacle of doing nothing.

Of course, I also abandoned my still-hibernating books in favor of fanfic, which, apparently have me undecided between regret and oh-whatever-ness. Hey, I gained a fandom, didn't I?

Of course, this was also the year I went awry and learnt how to gamble. Well, it wasn't really gambling per se, as there wasn't any money involved. I'd have to blame it on Beat and my dear dear cousin Wen coz they'd sort of pointed a gun at my head about it. *listens to far away shouts and protests* You didn't point a gun at me? Oh well. To each his/her own. *grins*

Well, that eventually led to me 'meeting' a few new/old friends online via Facebook and Viwawa. I said old/new because I'd already know who they are, but we just never really... talk. Or chat. Or whatever. I had a really fanatic period of Mahjong and Groword and Big2.5, and in between waiting for my turn and waiting for food and chatting with Potions&Snitches guys, I had this remarkable-and-unexplained yearning to learn guitar.

And that's sort of how I picked up a little guitar, got familiar with the chords (not so familiar tho. I still can't get to that bloody stupid Fmaj chord. And I'm not that precise with the chords yet. But who cares, eh? I'm the very definition of Syok Sendiri. Proof >>> this blog you're reading now. Or not.) I went through a total torture two month session of fingersores to have that weird thingy (calluses?) on the tip of my fingers--which has hidden themselves away now--which was a pain in the ass. My thumb, from some inexplicable reason, had its outer "Skin" shedded. Yup. SHEDDED. Which led to no thumbprint right now. *grins* cool, eh?

And then came the frantic period when results came out, and the endless scholarship preparations. We had endless trips to the school to get things copied and certified, which, by the way, is almost untouched in the darkest corner of my cupboard.

And then YAY!. From some inexplicable streak of luck, I had a scholarship for Medicine, twinning in Penang Medical College (or translated >> free education in Ireland for TWO 1/2 YEARS! Of course, also four and a half years here in Malaysia, but that many years of studying makes a person.... weary. Whew. Not that I don't want it. :P)

Then came the leaving home stuff. All those tears and emotions roiling about. I had to say goodbye to most everything. I guess the experience forces one to grow up. It was then I truly found that of all the goodbyes we have to say in life, it's the goodbyes to time that's the most melancholic. I don't know why I didn't realise before, but then I still have a lot to realise in the following years, if not year. I'm not going to ramble on that, cause that's when I finally sat my @$$ down and started to blog.

Yup. New school, new friends, new crushes, new stalk-victims, new experiences. Most importantly, new blogging friends. That's kinda what drove me to continue updating this abandoned blog. I mean, I used to keep a diary. I used to write in it like crazy. Then, I don't know, maybe it was the fanfic, maybe it was something else, it came along and poof, all my time was used up on it, and my diary went into the protection program. I checked, really. It's been one year and two months since I last wrote in it.

But then again, this has been a relatively happy, safe-from-hormonic-explosion year, so my diary didn't get much action as it had the years before.

Really. 95% of my diary are crude words, salty tears and depressing statements. It's not a good read unless you're standing at the edge of a building.

The other 5% are, nauseatingly, about romance, books and their oh-so-cute guys and girls, and about Twilight, so yeah. Unless you want to find yourself smushed into a paste at the base of the tallest building you can find, stay away.

Anyway, one of the other greatest things that happened this year was Harry Potter. I got totally obsessed in fanfic, had all of the facts and significant quotes memorised, had Snape constructed as a god in my head, and had my own first fanfic written, and finished. But what really got into my head (and heart) was the movie.

When the last book came out, I wasn't the least big melancholic or sad, like I did with Inheritance (Eragon and Co.). No, I wasn't the least bit sad, even when Snape died. I wasn't that into the fandom yet. Even after I sank into the fandom quicksand, I wasn't sad that the books have ended. I still have the movies.

Then this last July (was it July?) I walked out of the cinema with a pang of loss. The last part of the movie. Everything had ended. And I was sort of lost.

Can't blame me, can you now? I practically grew up with the series.I had the first four books from when I was nine, read it when I was still fumbling over English (believe it or not, my English sucked then. I read my own essays then. UGH.) And then when the fifth book came out, I was in my preteens. Then the sixth book, the seventh. As I grew out from the innocent preteens (believe it or not, we were a bunch or naive fools in preteens. The beauty of the last generation, eh? We didn't even have cellphones or computers then!) entered my teens and had my share of hormonal explosions, Harry Potter was there with me, close in age and thoughts. The first few books weren't childish (I was still a child when I read them), the last few weren't too dark (I was entertaining dark thoughts when I read them. Teen age. BRR. Don't put me through them again.)

But it ended. That was the first few goodbyes that really hurt, and the first few that had me understanding a lot of quotes. A lot of things had me thinking about life, in general.

Is it just me, or are the other teens doing just the same? I feel so old, thinking about matters like this.

*sighs*

There's just so many things that happened this year, so many changes from who I was last year, I can't even try to recall. Especially after I read the last of the Inheritance cycle, with Eragon and Saphira coming so far from who they were, the journey. I gave it some thought, and realised that Eragon's departure was sort of the equivalent of death in this life, to never return.

Inevitable.

I finished the last book ( I reread the whole cycle) exactly on 2.25a.m. on the 30th of December. It was almost the end of the year, and suddenly all these things just flew in. All these loss, all these time. I even broke open my diary and wrote something about it. I'lll see how I feel about it and maybe post it up someday. It's the only way I can keep copies of various innocuous entries of my diary. I don't want it to disappear, these little moments that I'd hauled my lazy ass to keep.

This was a year of change. Change in life, change in mind. I really don't want it to go. There's so many things I want to remember, and I truly regretted not writing them down so I can remember a semblance of it. Time erases memories, and I don't really want it to. Not this year. This year's too precious for me. It meant too much.

But what can I do? I'm no god. Unless the world ends tomorrow, time's not going to slow or stop. Not that it would if the world ends tomorrow, but at least I won't know it.

It's supposed to be celebrated, the new year. After all, we all celebrate things that are new. But now I wonder. Is that celebration to disguise the longing for the old year to stay? Is it just a cover for all the sadness for the passing of a year?

The F.U.N in the funeral of time.

Don't go, 2011.

Stay with me.

Don't go.