A Meaningless Dreary Post Designed To Destress Myself

Adjusting.

Acclimating.

Alleviating.

It's been exactly one month since I've got to this new place, and to think that there were so many new experiences for me to write about....

And I didn't. As per usual.

Perhaps I really need to get my priorities straightened out. Writing, studying, socializing, reading. We spend so much time immersed in the current flow of events sometimes we forget what was it that we promised ourselves we'd do, some few months ago.

This is so me. Like, GOD, that IS me. 

Anyway, don't really have time to write. Don't really have time to do anything but go to school, go to activities, travel back home and trying to squeeze some studying in between all those. Sometimes I wonder if it's me, or maybe time just has a grudge against me. Probably me and my insatiable need to get involved in all interesting activities.

Looming tests and unending piles and piles of lectures to go through. Sometimes I wonder what's the point of all this. What if I just toss 'em all to the back of the room and sleep the day away? What if I hadn't choose this path and continued on the road less travelled upon? 'What' and 'if'; amazing, how the most innocent words can be combined to give the greatest mystery in life.

Ah, the pointless ponderings. No use meandering down a path with unforeseeable ends. Sometimes I wonder if I really do possess an ounce of courage. I try; really I do. I look at cockroaches and say 'hand me those slippers' though my knees are knocking violently. I stare down high towers with nothing but a string connecting me to another meagre string and say 'Push' when all I really want was to run away. I talk to strangers, ask for directions in foreign languages, stare down hostile dogs, go on stage with nothing but a blank head and a microphone; just to prove that fear cannot conquer me.

Good doggie, cute doggie, stay-the-hell-away-from-me-doggie-please-or-I-might-shit-my-pants-doggie

It's funny, the things people do just to prove something. Maybe I'm just trying to convince myself I can conquer fear, that I am brave, that I do possess courage.

But what are those little things compared to the courage in facing the unknown? The courage to chase your dreams and not knowing what lies ahead. The courage to overcome obstacles and abandon familiarity?

I am nothing but a coward.

Ah. I'm getting off topic. I came here wanting to unload my homesickness upon you hapless souls, but ended up here instead. But I guess that's just life. Perhaps someday in the future I would not be where I expect to be. *fingers crossed*

Until then, I would continue down this path I chose, for it is this path that I chose, and it is this decision I must adhere to, no matter the price.

Where does it lead?  To Sevvy??? =DDD

Lecture notes, they really do mess you up. =P

Anyhow, I really would ( I swear upon Severus name and everything Snapey) write about my new life here, how beautiful everything is, how rainy and dreary and gloomy it'd become, how freezing cold my perfectly-formed gluteus maximus is; but it all has to wait for now. Time isn't really a friend right now, and *sighs*. God knows how much I want to just sit down and write, and read, and sleep the day away.

Wish me luck; for I do wish you the best. May you find courage in life, bit by bit, the way I'm trying to. =)

For we all need the courage to take that one first step. =) p.s. I do have a pair of nice shoes, don't I? 

好久不见，你好吗？

好久好久没动笔了。新电话到手了，电脑最近都被关在房里，铅笔盒里的老朋友们都陌生了。好久不见的你，好吗？

这几个月，一天一天的，紧张生气伤心渴望都融成了一团朦胧的回忆。生日至今，我还记得什么？

脑里尽是什么？该记的没记，不该记的，好像也没记。

一年的课程就这么多了。两年半叻？

考试；什么是考试？只不过是侧夜未眠，黑暗中望着天花板拼命的重复刚才从课本里 copy paste 的一团乌黑的字。隔天，一张张空白的纸张，心跳加速，好像戴上了blinders的赛马只看到前方一只黑色圆珠笔不停地蠕动，九十分钟，一只笔 vs 一叠厚厚的白纸；为了前途的残忍搏斗，手腕的刺痛肩膀的酸痛脚趾头的冷冻…… 不记得了。

Endless cycles of panic, relief, longing and regret, dissolving into a vague recollection of sweat and tears. Lost in dim hazy memories, never meant to be recalled.

就像一滴滴的墨水滴入大海一样，看似乌黑的墨水在茫茫大海中很快就会散开，融入海水中。考试时的汗水血水，如今回头过去，当时是怎么辛苦怎么紧张怎么都不记得了？

考试结束，毕业了，高兴吗？我还是一样一句不记得了。只记得考完试以后的那一餐撑死人的Jogoya， 因为太好吃以后应该也不敢去了。禁不起诱惑的人（就是我了啦）因吃太多打了好几天的嗝，撑了好几天，还得看着体重慢慢上升…… 一次，就这么一次吧。（说是这么说，搞不好明天我又倍受诱惑到某某地方残杀我的体重 T^T）

毕业后最后一张A802之四千金

嘿，我的死党们！可爱的gwiyomi好像被残杀了。>.<

23剑客。我们这一班。College 里还能有个属于自己的班级自己的同班同学其实感觉好好。=P

看嘛，人家毕业典礼上又吃又喝多开心！还有人专门夹菜，岂乐而不为？

过后，BTN，然后 泰国，游轮，一堆不知天高地厚的小朋友们。整艘船就我们最小最会闹，半夜三更到游泳池里和海浪搏斗，原来游轮上的泳池在海风的袭击下还真不输给真还浪，挺有《铁达尼号》里最后那一幕黑暗里捉着浮板漂来漂去又冷又累的感觉。当然，冷了累了就成群的泡在泳池旁的 hot tub，疯狂地笑，疯狂地聊。原来我们也能比电影中那些美少女孩儿们泡温泉尝红酒更加疯狂。到了泰国没看到漂亮的 “女孩儿” 没听到 “三碗猪脚”，却学会了 “攀攀攀攀” 也遇见了 “芒果汤匙”，还有可爱的“双博士” Mr Sensei，和Mrs Sophisticated Lim 老太太，当然也不忘了我的Ronald！呼，的确没白去。

从小到大除了和父母去旅行之外似乎都没肚子和朋友们外出了，这一次和一群死党在各奔东西前在游轮上胡闹了一番，想必下次一定非常怀念。念完大学以后应该很难再次有个这样的机会让我们疯疯癫癫地放松自己了吧…… 不同的经验，不同的感觉，特别的回忆。

James Bond Island 上自high把占士邦女郎的性感形象给毁了？

酷酷的背影，青春留下的痕迹。

原来我只有这么小。

秀美腿，看表演，吹海风。天堂，是这样的吗？

James Bond Island : The Poses =P

人家总说年轻时得和朋友一起旅行，我明白了。 ^ ^

所以说嘛，拍拖最好的地方就是沙滩了啦！你看，人家多烂漫！=P

然后。

心情开始变了。不知道为什么总生气，坏脾气。又开始喜欢一个人静一静躲在房里对着墙壁说话。练到差不多了的肖邦夜曲突然完全弹不出了，对着钢琴越弹越生气，这样的夜曲连鬼都会被吓走吧。心情好好的，突然说到念大学就莫名的生气，沉默不语。回槟城，大家都说好久不见，再不见，得等两年半后再见。每说到这就有种泄气的感觉，就连去购物也一样。平时最喜欢的 shopping，一想到得准备些上大学穿的衣服，奇怪的脾气又来了。告诉自己，得控制，也许只是对即将出炉的成绩有点担心而已。

成绩出炉了，比想象中地好。爱尔兰，不再是个遥不可及的梦。呼吸舒畅了，颈间不再那么紧绷了，心情却没有变得更好。眼看着别人都那么地迫不及待在准备往大学生活迈去，自己却只想呆在家里哪儿都不想去，有时怀疑自己脑袋有问题。怎么别人都那么向往着到外国去而自己却半丁点儿兴头都没有。

爱尔兰叻。天天都有人会和我说，很羡慕你哦可以到这么漂亮的地方读书。自己心里也想，自己还蛮幸运的，呵呵。然后就会告诉自己一定要好好珍惜这个机会。看着朋友们到达那里拍了一大堆漂亮的照片儿，还真兴奋，真想把现在这一段时间给skip了直接到那儿去了。

爱尔兰。暂时没有自己拍的爱尔兰照，有了肯定让你们羡慕羡慕 ：P

朋友拍的，(Chaichai,copyright pinjam sikit arh!) 古老的建筑在阳光下，哗！

你看！多帅的一帮朋友，一到那里就到我未来学院去拍了张照给我 =3=

当然也不忘了爱尔兰最出名的这几位帅哥美女啦！认识他们吗？？

然后……

然后又没劲儿了。

 真不明白自己怎么这么懒，这么不懂得珍惜。也许因为找屋而烦，时间所剩不多，到手的尽是一些rejection mails。 已经不耐烦了，不想理了，可这样对大家都不公平，所以每天每天都在重复看着同样的网页同样的adverts，越看越想赖在家里不走。不想放开现在无忧无虑的生活，想做的都能做，看书追戏烘培写小说都无需顾虑够不够时间念书够不够钱或还有些什么杂物没做，简直天堂。

离开？ 我为啥要离开我的天堂？

你怎么舍得让我离开？？

理智告诉自己离开可是为了前进为了未来能有自己的一片天堂为自己为大家做出贡献为生活添点意义。可心里想的……

算了。现在只能拼命的为自己找些能够鼓励自己的东东，鼓励自己积极点，看开点，努力点。毕竟这一科可不简单；医生的一个疏忽真的会影响不止一个人，而是他的朋友家人的人生，绝不可乱来叻。所以终于把收藏已久的On-Call搬了出来比自己坐下来一个人看。

说到On Call，故事可长了，暂时还没看完，不过现在的总结？

张一健，太可爱了，真想把他给抱着不放。=P

哎哟！！别这么可爱行不？？？
凶是凶了点啦 ，不过太可爱了我原谅你。：P 下次要是给我遇上一个这样的，嘿嘿……

你看你看！可爱到爆了！
是没有我的黄晓明帅啦（中国梦之声没有一集我看到他而没尖叫的）不过一件头这角色…不行了，我不行了。

Sighs. How little I remember since June 6th. All those months, summarised into nothing but a few paragraphs. Just because of a certain reluctance to turn on the computer; memories, moments -- all have slipped through the fingers of time, doomed to a fate of vague recollections. What of that promise I made to record all the moments in my life? What of that promise I made to keep the promises I made?

It's time to plan next year's resolutions. And stick to it.

咳，这几天，缩在家里对着电话里的   “非死不可”， 完全瘫痪了。行李，还没动。文件，还没准备。每天告诉自己要开始了得开始了然后赖在床上不想把眼睛睁开。

好久不见，我没有很好，只是一天一天地过，没啥意思。你，好吗？

Odd random moments when inspiration strikes and the feels are right.....

好久不见的你，变了。

不知不觉地，不经意地，在我完全没发觉之下，变了。

是你变了，还是你在我心里……变了？

下一次见到你，你是否还会以这一副样子对我微微地一笑，

还是被时间慢慢地侵蚀了你曾经从容天真，诚恳的那一笑？

或者是你不曾从容天真，更别说诚恳；而那一笑；

只是因被年轻的时间蒙着了眼，

不同的焦点不同的角度用了不同的眼。

好久不见，你好吗？

好久不见你，好吗？

好久。不见你，好吗？

And I Had the Best Day, With You, Today.

My very first post as a 20 year old. Welcome to the twenties, they're saying.

I love cotton candies. before they harden, anyway.
And they're so fluffy and cute!!!

Oh well. Age's only a number, as a friend so kindly told me.

What's important is the heart.

And the things you have, the people you've met, the events you'd experienced, and all the good and bad things in life.

Ahh. Birthdays.Stuff made of clouds and cotton candy and an extra dose of amazing.

To be frank, I'd never been a real fan of birthdays. No no no, don't roll your eyes at me. Really. I mean, everyone's got one, and it's not like you get to choose your birthday. It's just... a birthday. I didn't really get it. What's the big deal?

But now I think I got it. Why people love birthdays so much. Why birthdays are such huge events. It's the day you're born. The day you're given a chance at creating your own world. It's like writing a story, or designing a building, or directing a film, and watching it come to life. But it's better, because you get to live your creation.

Thanks mom, dad, for giving me a birthday. =P I'd probably made your heads ache since I'd been born. Teehee.

Plus, it doesn't hurt when you get to be the queen on your birthday. =P I swear, you get so pampered and spoilt and waited upon like the cuter version of Cinderella's stepsister.

Cuter version of ze stepsista

But today?

Wow. That's the only word that comes to mind. I haven't had a birthday so ... so celebrated. I swear, I've put on kilos of sweet memories and fatty love these few days.  :P it's like I have not a birthday, but a birth...week? LOL.

My god. All of the celebrations. All those wishes. Surprise Midnight Attack, McDonald's Ambush, Messages/Notifications-Tsunamis, Photos-bomb, Huge Meat Fiesta, Unexpected Gift....

First came my housemates Midnight Attack. I swear, those three are war-seasoned spies with all those 'war' strategies and sneaking around they come up with. :P Then came the second wave where they recruited another two dear friends into their ranks. Even though I'd suspected something was...off the moment we stepped through the doors of McDonalds'. Since when do we book seats before ordering when the shop's...empty? MUAHAHAHA.

But then I'd wrote the feeling off as "thinking too much" and ended up being...ambushed.

All things aside, damn it all, I was genuinely surprised, and I didn't know how to react besides hiding my face in my hands. As much of my face that my hands can hide, I mean. *holds up tiny hands and sighs*

making wishes for the...second time?
bit greedy now, don't you think?
What to do, too many cakes d. XD

One of the Recruits. XD My very pro Physics tutor :P I swear, sometimes I get so jealous of him. Sighs.

The strategists. Liars, if you ask me. LIARSSS. But good-friendly-awesome liars. XD

And then today. Woke up rather late (Bed loves me too much) and went on an outing with my Troop (as they call themselves; sighs. Thank you Chemistry Lecturer for labeling us.) with no idea how awesome the day could turn out to be. Even had two funnily serious guys along for the trip. :P We had  trouble choosing places to eat at first, but then ended up in this German restaurant, Brotzeit.

Meat Platter. Super Yum.

There was this table full of aged ladies behind us, and we were joking about how we'd end up years later just like them. We'd (well, they, not me) even match each one of us with them. It was kinda fun, imagining us lasting that long, through the years. It'll be awesome, don't cha think?

Camwhoring before the meal comes. Me and ze legendary Hannah. 

Cindy CHAI and nanana joining the camwhoring troop. :P

moldy and the troop. +2. as dubbed by our chemistry lecturer.

This girl was supposed to celebrate her birthday with me. :( But she left me to ze mortification alone. :(

When it was time to sing THE song, I was mortified. Why? Because the waiters had gather round and sang (LOUDLY) with us. One of the waiters (was he the one who was dubbed Taylor Lautner by dear Rebecca?) even got a straw and made me blow the candles through it. Thoroughly. Mortified.

Me and the free dessert from Brotzeit!
Credits to Waiyi, who managed to capture all the weird expressions I have. 

But what's really mindblowing is that, after we'd sang the song, the ladies behind us began to sing too! And they were celebrating the yellow-bloused lady's birthday, whom they'd associated with me! Even her name sounded almost the same as Moldy. *Mindblowing*

We even met the two awesome ...um, aliens(?) from Monsters' University!

Mike, and Sully, and us!

I have no idea who that is behind us. LOL

And when I got home, finally winding down by commenting on random photos posted on Facebook, I got another surprise.

thanks Blockmates Shuning and Chingyee for this awesome creampuff! I had fun making cream mustaches. XD

Wow. I was so surprised I didn't know how to react. Thanks. Really. Thanks. I don't know what else to say but thanks thanks thanks.

And that goes to all these important people in my life.

20 years.

So genuinely surprised, and subsequently touched by all the people who cared enough for me to plan all these stuff, all the efforts, all the thoughts that went into this whole thing.

It makes me wanna cry. It makes me realise that even though I haven't any major accomplishments or big steps towards my dream or what-nots in my life so far, I already have so many friends and family. These important people in my life, people who love me, care about me, and people I didn't know was that important to me.

I guess I did pretty okay for twenty years so far, with a little bit of help from these people. After all, the sense of belonging can be pretty awesome, and I'd found it with them.

Life'd be pretty boring without them.

And I guess that--having a bunch of awesome people with you-- that's the greatest achievement one can ever ^^

Thanks, for being in my life.

Thanks, for making my entrance into the twenties the best one can ever have.

And Thanks, simply for being there.

"I get by with a little help from my friends.
 I get high with a little help from my friends.
 Going to try with a little help from my friends."
~ The Beatles

Midnight Ambush

All sixes for my 6.6. I love sixes now. 666666

Surprised. Shocked. Flabbergasted. Astonished. Caught totally unaware. Completely bowled over.

Ambushed. At Midnight. Four days before my birthday. By none other than those three devious housemates of mine.

Well, to be fair, sometimes I’m even more devious (evil?) than them, but that’s another story for later. =P

The guilty headphones.
Right, it's not gigantuous,
but the quality of the sound's awesome.

It was four days before my birthday. And we had a rather major paper on Monday, Tuesday, and for some of us, Wednesday! Three days worth of nightmares! I’d assumed we wouldn’t celebrate it (ngeh. I wouldn’t have mind. Not really that big a fan of birthdays.) Or that if we would, maybe after the huge obstacles are over.

But no. They had to prove me wrong.

I really should’ve paid more attention to what they were doing. After all, I did catch them talking at low voices behind me, but then again, they could be discussing exam questions for all I know! With my huge headphones cutting me off from the rest of the world, they could be discussing murdering all the roaming cats here and dumping it on my bed and I wouldn’t have had the slightest idea.

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but really. I really had no idea whatsoever.

Le Much Loathed Durian Cake

So, when the door was opened at midnight, and the lights switched off, and the two HUGE candles floated in through the door, I was momentarily speechless. They started singing the birthday song, and I was going OMG (and something else, but I wouldn’t say what =P) all the way through.

And the greatest thing ever was, they bought THE loathed durian cake from Secret Recipe which was my absolute favourite! (well, one of my favourites anyway. Geminis. *sighs*) And Beatrice, who couldn’t stand the smell of durian (as in, she wouldn’t even breathe when the awesome durian smell wafts over) prepared the cake, stood outside the door and waited for the other two fellow masterminds in the house to let her in.

Brave one, that one is.

I didn’t even know it was durian cake until she told me she literally couldn’t breathe. HA!

Le Me and my Mao-Tze-Tung hairstyle
Awe-when-I discovered Durian Cake

And then they started to whip out phone cameras (well, MY phone camera) and do what they do with cameras. It had been unbearably hot, I had thrown on a, well, let’s just say I wouldn’t walk out of the house wearing … that; my hair wrestled into a incredibly unique Mao-Tze-Tung style which left my forehead shining like a perfectly boiled egg; and eyes baggier than Dudley Dursley’s dreadful hand-me-down denims.

I mean, Cameras + those? Ouch. Sore eyes.

At least they let me change into something decent. *whew*

Photo-taking was fun. We were all sporting dark panda eyes and heavy eyebags thanks to the A Levels, and our house wasn’t really as neat as usual. (Neat in the “as usual” sense doesn’t really mean it’s neat though. =S Maybe just a tad less disorganised.)

I couldn’t thank you guys enough. Seriously. The first time I’ve been away from my family for my birthday (yes, first) but you’ve made me feel l like I’m among family members. Thanks, for the pretty awesome ambush in the middle of the night. =) 

p.s. Thanks also, for ‘letting’ me finish that piece of cake by myself. Durian rules! XD

Candle no taste good. 

Camera quality wasn't that good, but our friendship makes up for it, eh? 10 years on my right, 14 on my left. Our friendship is almost our whole life. =)

Ignore the artistic mess please around the house. We're just expressing our artistic souls. XD 

Perhaps we'll get the chance to do this again. I know, I know, the rest of your birthdays are in December, which means if everything goes according to plan I probably won't be here to do this again with all of you. This year, at least. But there's still lotsa things to celebrate. The end of A Levels perhaps? Graduation?

Or we can wait till all of us are back in Malaysia for a huge reunion. =P That's kinda far away, ain't it?

I really really hope we can keep in touch. But knowing myself.... ARGH. I can't think that way. I'll have to try, at least.

I will try. Promise. *bites nails*

We will keep in touch, won't we?

Sixes again! Matching Tees too! Purple's the colour this year.

Le Cake can't take any more photographing. It's too tired it needs to lay down.

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Ecstatic, reminded

And as per usual when it comes to times when I'm supposed to do something, a.k.a studying for A Levels, I'm here doing what I'm not supposed to.

Again.

Oh well.

Anyway, while reading through my emails today, I stumbled upon a rather old email from a fellow fanfictioner (I don't care if that's not a real word. =P) and the request to translate my fanfiction.

Can you believe it? MY fanfiction.

Needless to say, I was ecstatic. Still pretty ecstatic now when I think about it. ^^

Brought to life, with nothing but words. 

It's the closest I'd came to really touching hearts with a piece of writing. I love reading stories where the characters really grew. I don't mind if there's no constant action, or if things don't really move on, like they do in Harry Potter, where adventures and adventures pile upon one another. I like reading about the characters, how they feel, how they act, how they react to conflicts. I love the play of words, the unexpected assemblage of single words when the author tries to describe the inner torture and eventually the characteristics that really brings a character to life.

That's why I love Moment of Impact so much. There's so much loss in Harry Potter, so many deaths, so many sacrifices. How can it not have an impact on the souls of the characters? That's where fanfiction comes in. Especially Moment of Impact. Oh of course, it does go a little bit AU (Alternate universe) with the whole Severus Harry interaction, but that's what makes it harder to bear when Severus had to kill Albus with Harry watching, harder to bear when Severus was trapped in his one man island -- Hogwarts when Harry is out there battling demons and horcruxes.

Random Harry Potter spam pic. The family that almost was. Gets to me every time. T^T

Oh. I'm getting sidetracked. Sorry, this always happens when you get me talking about Harry Potter. Or books, in general. Or movies, for that matter. Or music, too.

Right. Sidetracked.

Back to --where were we-- oh, the fanfiction and its translation. So, I'm gonna post the translation up here ('cause the original site is password protected) and let you guys judge how good the job was done, since my chinese's a little rusty and I don't think I'm much good at judging the writing when I'm busy trying to convince myself this happened.

By the way, I wrote the original fanfiction while listening to Safe and Sound (Taylor Swift, duh) so you could read the translation with the song too if you want.

Oh, and if you haven't read the original, or want to read it (you really do? awww sweetheart I love you), you could read it here (Safe and Sound).

Right. So... here it is.

“只需闭上双眼，你会没事的。当明日晨光初现，你我都会安然无恙。” ——Taylor Swift

Severus 看见他坠落，从他原先站立的地方。疾驰的强光穿过空气，掠过成百上千的死去或受伤的躯体，然后势不可挡地撞上 Harry Potter 的护盾。在令人心跳停止的一刻，护盾爆发出强烈的光芒，边缘微微卷曲。它看上去能够支撑住。

但随即 Harry Potter 的魔力迅速地枯竭，护盾碎裂成百万个碎片，在坠落到地面的过程中分崩离析。那道光撕裂了短暂的距离——然后击中了目标。就在某个躯体的正中。

神锋无影。

讽刺极了，它是如何引起——而现在，又结束——这一切的？

红色从伤口扩散，当 Severus 飞跃过他们之间的距离、将手伸向他时 Harry 正撞击在地面上。他摸索到这个男孩的手并紧紧地握住它，然后感受到他轻微地回握。

“我很抱歉，”男孩小声说道，他的呼吸又轻又浅。

Severus 摇头。“不，你做得够好了。你没有任何事需要道歉。”

Harry 皱了皱眉，摇头。“我没有。我的护盾碎了。”

“它确实。”

寂静降临。Severus 知道这男孩已经准备好面对一切，面对痛苦，面对最后的离去。

“我真的做得不错，是吗？”过了一会儿，Harry 问。

“是的。非常好，” Severus 说。一双绿宝石似的眼睛闪耀在他身上，一只来自过去，一只来自现在。“你母亲会为你骄傲。”

“你这么想？”

“是的。”

“你觉得他们会在那儿吗？”

Severus 伸手擦去这张脏兮兮的脸上迷失的泪水，点头。所以就是这种感觉——让某颗刚刚痊愈的心再次撕裂的感觉。

他搂着这男孩，握着男孩的双手，就像他在无眠的白天和痛苦的夜晚无数次做过的那样。 Harry Potter 脸上的泪水一点也不稀奇，他看过它们无数次，拭去过他们在数不清的场合。

Harry 的泪水曾经很珍贵，Severus 记得。他以前不认为这男孩哭过。但在那个夜晚，在 Hogwarts 的占星塔他们被敌人包围，他第一次看见他的眼泪。这男孩站在塔的边缘，几乎坠落——如果不是 Severus 及时把他拉回来。

“你到底怎么回事？你该死的大脑坏掉了吗？” Severus 冲他叫喊，他的心脏略过了自己对这男孩的感觉。这男孩有勇气去尝试一个不知名的黑魔法——一个危险的黑魔法由他，Severus 所发明——在他眼前，而现在他却想要结束生命。

这男孩没有说任何话；他只是简单地站在那儿，茫然地看着地面。他甚至没有意识到 Severus 的存在。

Severus 眼前发红。“回答我，Potter！”他冲上前去摇晃这昏沉的男孩，去把意识摇回这固执的十六岁的混蛋，而他抬起了眼睛。

绿宝石。纯粹的绿宝石眼——盈满了无色液体——直直撞进 Severus 自己黑色的一双。Severus 震惊得无法言语。但不是因为与 Lily 相似而让他震惊。这是因为双眼里陈旧的疲倦——他看过太多——直白的痛苦。

一滴泪水从 Harry 的眼角滑落，而在 Severus 缓过神来之前，他崩溃了，安静地啜泣，十六岁的脆弱身躯颤动。

“我做不到。所有的这些人……我、我不能看着他们因为我战、战斗然后死去、我再也承、承担不了了。” Harry 挣扎着说。Severus 的心脏为这孩子抽紧。他完全能理解，整个世界压在你肩上的重量，看着他们一个接一个离去和死亡，说再见和再见和再见，而你，只是一个人活着，渴望着什么时候轮到自己。

Severus 把这男孩拉进自己怀里，他们的心脏紧紧相贴。他没有放开，没有把他推走。假如有，他只会更紧地拥抱他。男孩看到得太多了，感受得太多了，被推得太远了。围攻仍在继续。他们被推得太远了。

他站在那儿，安静地拥抱着他直到啜泣平息。

“你不是孤身一人，Harry。”

我记得泪水顺着你的脸颊流下
而我说我将永远不放开你的手
当所有的阴影几乎熄灭你的光芒
我记得你说别留下我一个人
但这一切都在今晚化作尘埃

在一次失败的自杀尝试后，Harry 将 Severus 的地窖当做了避难所，在无眠的夜晚一次又一次地徘徊，直到 Severus 允许他留下。

Severus 从不留任何预言家日报在 Harry 能看到的地方。男孩知道现在的情形，这些实在足够了。这体现在家养小精灵的食物供应量里。这体现在彼此脸上的刻痕里。这体现在 Harry 肩膀越来越低，而 Severus 睡得越来越少。

你害怕看向窗外吗
一切都在燃烧，亲爱的
门外的战争仍在肆虐

Harry 越来越少地冒险离开城堡。他把自己锁在 Severus 的地窖里，常常无生气地望向远方。金三角不复存在，Severus 从 Harry 频繁的梦魇里得知，他们双双阵亡在一场毁灭魂器的战役里。而 Gryffindors 也全部阵亡，一些为了保卫 Harry，另外的则是因为食死徒的频频袭击。

（凸 作者几句话写死了多少人！！我的赫敏罗恩 凸）

再也没有理由让 Harry 微笑了。再也没有理由让所有人微笑。

后来，Severus 翻出了 Lily的旧音乐盒，从他私人的珍藏里。他回想起 Harry 看到它时眼里的光芒、那难以置信的、孩子气的愉悦弥散在他的脸上，哦，多么珍贵，尤其在这种时候。Harry 抬起头，充满快乐和虔诚地看着他——以至于Severus无法忍受地转头。

那个夜晚标志着一个新的 Harry的诞生，他因为母亲的纪念品而平静地睡着了。Severus站着注视着他，一整夜，努力记住这男孩的面容，最后一次看着原来的那个孩子。

一个男孩。

那晚Severus许下了另一个誓言。当他离开Harry的房间，他向无论什么神发出了祈祷。

坚持，Harry。

坚持。

牢牢记住这支摇篮曲
即使音乐已经停止

从这以后的每个夜晚，那支古老的摇篮曲催他们入眠。Harry把音乐盒带到任何他去的地方。

即使现在，当Harry的眼皮垂得越来越低，旧音乐盒从他的长袍里掉出。Severus把它捡起来，打开，让这温柔的旋律笼罩他们。这柔和又清晰的和声在战场里显得无比荒诞，声音在他们的耳朵里变响，直到它成为整个世界里唯一的声音。

太阳缓缓沉没，它明亮的光芒就如同Hogwarts的幸存者一样黯淡下去。他们的人数和勇气随着Harry的生命一起迅速凋零。战争走向结束。

“别怀念我。”这是Harry发出的虚弱声音。

“我不会的。”

Harry这时微笑起来，一个真正的笑容绽开在他的双眼。他轻微地畏缩了下，痛苦几乎无法忍受。他太疲倦了，太疲倦以至于想睡着并且不再醒来。Severus的手握得更紧了一些。

“闭上眼睛。休息吧。”

当Harry闭起双眼，他听见Severus顺着摇篮曲唱下去，他低沉的声线在他耳朵里显得无比温柔。

只需闭上双眼
太阳已经西沉
你会没事的
如今没有人能伤害你
当明日晨光初现
你我都会安然无恙

“闭上眼睛，Harry。我们必将重逢于早晨。”

~Translated by Maboyong ( 左梦尘 于 2012-8-26 12:17)

Soo... Whadya think? *can't wait to know*

It was fun reading the reviews in chinese (not on ff.net but the password protected site. But ff.nets reviews are still awesome. =D ) especially since I had to twist my brain around a little. I think I sprained a brain muscle somewhere. Some of the reviews had me laughing right out, some said I was a cruel heartless murderer, some had little insights which had me nodding in tandem while the gears in my brain started rolling with ideas the comments gave.

The very first time I'd had a fic translated. And was referred to as "the author".

Definitely an experience I would cherish, if possible, forever. The baby steps in life. Baby steps.

How I wish I could still write like that.

Ahh. All in good time. All in good time.

Sorry. Couldn't resist a last spam pic. Almost vs Always. The basis of most SevvyHarry fanfic. =')